Staggeringly Beautiful
by Miss Prongs
Summary: James falls into a pit of depair after finally realising the love of his life, Lily Evans, does not feel the same way. Will his friend Remus and Sirius be able to save him before he turns on them? (Mild slash. Not with James, though.) Edited, and complete
1. Introduction

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, no matter how much I wish I did, sexy beast that he is.**

**_Hope you guys like this - it's my first go at a fan fiction!  
_  
Chapter 1:**

'You know you want me,' said a young, sixteen year old boy with honey coloured eyes and messy black hair, which stuck up in all directions, as if embracing the sun that shone brightly in the sky above, which was sending glitters across the vast lake.

'And why would I want you, Potter?' said Lily Evans, eyeing the boy draped casually on the grass beside her with little interest.

'Because I'm sexy.' said James, a smile now playing in the corners of his mouth and lingering in his eyes, which were staring into vivid green ones: Lily's own.

'Oh, really.' said Lily, flicking her hair over her should as she turned to survey the Hogwarts grounds. She noticed out of the corner of her eye James moving restlessly and she smiled to herself. Even she could not deny that her hair, which at most times she hated, caught the light in a beautiful way, swaying gracefully over her shoulder in a curtain of fire.

'And so are you.' said James, adjusting his position and running his delicate fingers gently along Lily's cheek. 'We're perfect for each other. We just...fit together, if you know what I mean.' he said, giving her a wink and grinning mischievously. Lily felt her face burning, and she stood up.

'Open your eyes, James. We don't "fit together." We never have "fit together". We never will "fit together". You're an idiot, and I don't want you, no matter how much your immature buddies or fat head tell you I do.'

Lily saw James' face crumble, and she could see the hurt in his eyes, but she stormed off regardless, leaving the young man quite alone with his shortcomings still lingering in the air, as they always did after he saw Lily. Maybe it was her perfume.

o

o

o

'What's not to like?' said James, exasperatedly, falling back into a large armchair in the common room later that day.

'That attitude, for starters. Girls like someone who can accept their own faults and still be damn sexy in the meantime. Someone like...me, for instance.' said James' oldest and closest friend, Sirius Black, his handsome face breaking into a grin. If anyone else had said that, James would have made a retort, but everyone knew Sirius was damn sexy, even if, like James, you weren't into guys.

'Not that I have any faults.' said Sirius, smirking.

'What, so I've just got to go up to Lily and say I'm a...I'm a...'

'Arrogant pig?'

'Obnoxious idiot?'

'Bullying toerag?'

James looked over at his friends. Sirius was grinning more broadly, and Remus Lupin, who had had his head buried in a large book was now looking as him, smiling discreetly as well. Remus was a great friend, and was always there to help them out of sticky homework situations. Unless he was busy being a werewolf, of course.

There was also Peter, fat little Peter Pettigrew, who was too dumb, too ugly, too slow and too dull to be a Marauder, but was one anyway. He was looking half amused, half terrified, his rat-like face giving away his apprehension at the punch he was sure to get from the comment. James, however, was distracted.

'How do you guys remember stuff like that?' he said with an astonished look on his face, but the colour on his cheeks was rising, and anger was licking around his eyes.

'I do remember her saying something along those lines once or twice...' said Sirius, scratching his head with a mock-thoughtful tone. Peter snorted, and James gave him a cold stare, and he muttered something about needing to go to the library, and he walked quickly out of the common room, down the portrait hole and out of sight.

'You know, maybe you should just give up. You've been hassling her for over a year and she hasn't batted an eyelid-'

'Though she has batted your head round a bit, James.' Sirius said conversationally.

'-There are other fish in the sea, you know.' continued Remus, ignoring Sirius. James looked for a second as if he was going to snap back, but then he sighed, and leant back in his armchair, staring at the ceiling.

'Yeah, but I don't want those fish. I want Lily. She's like the rainbow fish, the ultimate fish...the perfect catch.' he said, the corners of his mouth twitching up into a smile.

'Here we go again.' said Remus under his breath, returning back to his book. Sirius, however, had a strange look on his face, and he leant forward, staring straight into James' eyes.

'Do you love her, James?' he asked quietly, his eyes sweeping across James' face, as if searching for a telltale sign. James was just about to reply loudly: "Hell yes, all night long!" until he saw the look in Sirius' eyes, and realised he was deadly serious.

'Huh?' he said, making sure he had heard he friend right.

'You heard me. Do you love her? And I mean real love. True love. Does James Potter love Lily Evans?' said Sirius, his face still unusually serious. Remus had his head down, but his eyes were not sweeping across the page like they usually were; in fact, they were motionless. James knew he was listening intently.

'Well,' James started, and then stopped, surprised to hear his voice coming out unnaturally high. James saw Sirius raise his eyebrows, and he cleared his throat and looked away.

'Yeah...yeah I think I do.' James turned back to face his friends. Sirius was trying, and failing to suppress a very large grin, and James gave a reluctant grin as Remus shook his head softly and gave a barely audible sigh.

o

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o

A few hours later, with a subject change, a few games of chess and a couple of butterbeers on their spirits, James, Remus and Sirius were still chatting away in the common room, enjoying the remaining hours of sunlight. Suddenly, they noticed a little fat rat creeping up the stairs. The rat looked awfully familiar.

'Peter, where have you been?' said James, jovially. The rat turned around, morphed back into their friend and sat down reluctantly.

'I was...ah...I fancied a walk.' said Peter, entirely unconvincingly. He never was a good liar, James thought to himself, watching him squirm uncomfortably in his seat.

'You never fancy a walk, Peter. Tell us. Where have you been?' said Remus, looking Peter squarely in the eyes. If anyone was ever to get a secret out of someone, it was Remus.

'In ...the astronomy tower.' said Peter quietly, and James saw a grain of truth in this statement.

'Oh, yeah? And what were you doing in the astronomy tower, exactly?' asked James.

'Yeah, and why do you look like you're hiding some big, black secret?' asked Sirius, suspiciously.

'I...I...saw Lily.' said Peter, barely audible. James' eyes widened and his jaw set.

'Yeah? And what were you doing with my girlfriend?' he said, a dangerous glint in his eyes. Peter

murmured something.

'Sorry?' I didn't catch that.' said James, leaning closer to Peter.

'I said she's not your girlfriend.' Peter said a bit more clearly.

'What the hell do you mean by that?' asked James, angrily.

'James, calm down.' said Remus, sternly. James ignored him.

'I...we...she didn't even see me! She d-didn't even know I was there! She w-was down by the lake!'

Peter stuttered.

'Perving on her, were you?' said James.

'No! I was just...out for a stroll, you know, it was all a bit hot in here and the library was crowded to I went to the...the astronomy tower, see, cause I knew no one would be there, and I looked down by the lake and Lily was standing by...by the lake...' Peter trailed off.

'Oh.' said James, his face showing his relief. 'And? What was she doing by the lake?' he asked, his voice much more even now. 'Was she alone?'

Peter was avoiding James' eyes.

'Well? Was she?'

Peter's face was as easy to read as a book.

'Who? Was it one of her friends?' Peter shook his head. 'A...a teacher? A guy?' James asked, his voice crackling on this last question. Peter nodded. 'Which one? A guy?' Peter nodded again. James clenched his teeth and looked away.

'Who? What were they doing? Studying, maybe? Talking? What?' said James, obviously trying to keep his voice leveled, but you could hear the anger swirling around.

'They...she was...they were...' James cut him off.

'They? Who's they, Peter?'

'Lily and ...and ...Frank.'

'Frank Longbottom?'

'Yeah.'

'What was she doing hanging around with him? Sure, he's-'

'Handsome?' said Remus.

'Bright?' remarked Peter.

'Funny?' put in Sirius.

'-An ok kind of guy,' said James, glaring at the others, 'But she wouldn't want to hang around him, right? She was probably trying to run away from him as fast as possible, right Peter?' said James, trying to sound airy and confident, but failing miserably.

'They were...she was...oh, blimming heck, James, she kissed him.' said Peter, suddenly deciding to rip the plaster off completely. James looked up at the ceiling, laughed softly, and slowly lowered his head. There was not a hint of amusement in his eyes.

'She kissed him.'

'Yes. Only quickly, though. I think he was sad or something.' said Peter, his voice now growing in confidence now that the burden was off.

'He was sad.'

'Yeah. I think so.'

'You think so.' Peter looked over at Remus and Sirius. Sirius was watching James carefully, and Remus had his eyes closed, and was shaking his head softly.

Suddenly the butterbeer bottle James had been holding smashed in his hands. The others looked at him, surprised, but James seemed not to have registered it, or the blood that was trickling down his hand.

'You...you ok, James?' asked Remus quietly, looking at James' hand with concern, but they all knew that wasn't what he was talking about.

'Course he is. You're fine, right, James?' said Sirius, slapping James on the back. James shook his head, and smiled brightly and falsely.

'Sure I am. Lily doesn't like Longbottom. Nor he her.'

'Yeah, doesn't he like that Alice girl?' put in Remus hopefully.

'Yeah. It was only a pity kiss. Nothing to worry about. In fact, I think I might ask her at dinner to go to Hogsmeade with me tomorrow. What's the time? Let's go down now.'

o

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o


	2. Adoration

**Chapter 2:**

James flopped down beside Lily, who was dishing herself out a modest portion of cauliflower cheese.

'Hiya, Lily. How are you?' said James, with a little smile. Lily, keeping her eyes on her food, chewed slowly.

'I'm good. What do you want?' she said after an eternity of chews.

'Only to be in the company of a beautiful lady, and my wish has been fulfilled, and for that, I thank you.'

'Oh, give it up, Potter. We all know what you're here for-'

'Oh, do we?'

'-And the answer is the same as it always is.'

'And that is...'

'What do you think, Potter?'

'What do I think, or what do I fantasize?'

'N-O. No. No I don't. For the last time. No. Alright?' Lily looked at James, and she saw the disappointment in his eyes again. It stunned her, that he could ask her time and time again, every single trip or chance, and he was always painstakingly obviously hurt every time. Yet he was so swaggeringly arrogant, she thought it good for him to have his bloated ego deflated as much as possible.

James gave a small smile.

'You know you want to. Come on.' he said.

For someone so supposedly clever, he was awfully slow on the uptake.

'James, I would rather swim with the squid in the lake than spend time with you! Can't you get that into your inflated head?'

She looked over at him, expecting to see him deflate with disappointment again, but instead his eyes lit up and he gave a smug smile.

'What?' questioned Lily. He wouldn't be looking like that for nothing.

'Oh, nothing.' said James, dramatically airily.

'I'm not going to play guessing games with you. Tell me.' James tilted his head and grinned.

'You're so hot when you're angry.' he said.

'James!'

'Ah, there it is again.'

'What?'

'You called me James.'

'What?'

'Just now. And before.'

'I did not...when?'

'You said "James I would rather swim with the squid in the lake than spend time with you" and you said "James!" just then.

'So?'

'You've always called me Potter. Last name, very formal, very impersonal. But now, I have a little place in your heart, so now I'm James. So now that I know how you feel about me, you don't have to pretend anymore. Come to Hogsmeade with me.'

'She couldn't, even if she wanted to.' said a voice at Lily's side. James turned and looked.

'Aye?' he said.

'Shut up, Amelia.' said Lily to her friend.

'She's already going with someone else, Potter. Looks like you'll have to go to Hogsmeade all on your lonesome.' James' smile faded.

'Oh yeah? And who's that?'

'Just leave me ALONE!' said Lily, her face reddening.

'Frank.' said Amelia, a small smile on her face.

'Longbottom?' said James, incredulous, and, by the look in his eyes, furious.

'No, the other Frank.' said Amelia, sarcastically. James turned to Lily.

'Is she kidding?' Lily didn't look at him, but her cheeks were now a crimson colour. James' face fell into an abyss with seemingly no end. 'And you'd rather go with him than me?'

'James, you are an arrogant, bullying-'

James cut her off. 'Obnoxious toerag?' Lily blinked.

'How do you-'

'-Remember stuff like that? I listen, Lily. Unlike some people I know, who-' but before he could finish, Lily had sighed, picked up her books, and, without another word, walked away.

o

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	3. Erruption

**Chapter 3:**

Lily did go with Frank to Hogsmeade, and the whole school (who were all too aware of James' "crush") relished the chance to smile knowingly and pityingly at him in the corridors, and talk loudly about how much 'studying' Lily and Frank were doing.

James...was not coping very well. He would sit in his classes, and she would come walking in, a beacon of hope shining on a dark horizon, flicking the tumbles of auburn hair out of her beautiful eyes, with a smile on her lips that could light up the darkest of places...and he would imagine her, trotting off with her friends that weekend to go and see him. James had never thought of Frank as a bad guy, but now he saw him for what he really was: a know-it-all pretty boy with no dick to save himself.

'James, you're staring.' whispered a voice in his ear. He turned around and saw Sirius with a half-amused, half-pitying look on his face. Sirius studied him for a moment. 'You poor fuck. You really love her, don't you?'

James made no reply.

o

o

o

And so another month passed. There wasn't any more talk of Lily and Frank, except for the odd whispers in the corridors, which James had learned to ignore. He had been avoiding Lily, and trying avidly not to look at her. Or so he thought.

'Honestly, James, she just had a drink with him, it was nothing!' said Remus, coming out of nowhere one day in the corridor. 'Why the sullen face and the no so subtle staring? Just go and ask her again, for God's sake. If she'll have a drink with him, she'll have a drink with you. They're not boyfriend and girlfriend.' At least I don't think so, he added silently to himself.

'Yeah, you're right.' said James, cheering up slightly. 'They haven't talked to each other for ages, have they?'

'Um, no.' said Remus, quite unsure.

'Yeah. Hey, do you know where she'll be?'

'Library, I'd say.'

'Thanks. I'll see ya later then, aye?' said James, making his way to the library, humming to himself.

'Hey, Lily!' he said, catching sight of her familiar face. He strode quickly to take the empty seat next to her. Lily rolled her eyes, and muttered:

'Hello, James.' James grinned.

'I still love the way my name rolls off your beautiful tongue, like a-'

'Be quiet, POTTER. I have homework to do.'

'Oh, yeah. Whatcha doing?'

'Transfiguration.'

'Really? I finished that ages ago...' Lily glared at James, and looked back at her parchment.

'I could help, if you like.' James offered, tilting his head to read her writing.

'Thanks, but I don't need help from a bloated idiot like you.'

'Well, this bloated idiot got 'Outstanding' on his Transfiguration OWL, so if you're turning down his help, you better hope you know damn well what you're doing.'

'I'll be fine, James.' James smiled slowly and said under his breath 'James'. Lily ignored him

'So, anyway, I was wondering ...made any plans with Frank?' Lily snapped her head around, and glared at him suspiciously.

'Why?' she asked.

'Just because...well, just because.'

'Not that it's any of your business, Potter, but no, I haven't.' James smiled.

'Well, if you're going to be at Hogsmeade this weekend...you don't have to go with me or anything,' James added hastily, catching the look on Lily's face, 'We could just maybe meet up for a drink or something, yeah?' he asked, his voice rising with hopefulness

Lily sighed, and looked James straight in the eyes.

'I don't ever want to go anywhere with you. I DON'T LIKE YOU.' James' face fell.

'Anywhere? Ever?'

'Nowhere. Never. It would be wonderful if you would just leave me alone for good.'

'But you'll go with Frank.'

'Yes, Potter, because unlike you, he has a HEART.' This time Lily saw a new emotion in James' eyes. Was it anger? No, it couldn't be. James was never angry with Lily.

'You really want that? You want me to leave you alone for good?'

'Yes, James, that's what I've been wanting for a long, long time.' Suddenly, he stood up, so fast that he knocked the table and sent many people's books rattling around the table, but he appeared not to have noticed.

'Well, you know what? This is your lucky day! I give up. I'm sick of it. You drive me fucking crazy! I try so hard, my whole _life_ is based around you and you treat me like shit! I just can't take it anymore! You win. I'll leave you alone. Forever. For good! SATISFIED?' shouted James. Everyone fell silent, staring at James. He turned around, and stormed off.

Suddenly, a bubble of talking built up, and burst, jolting Lily back into thinking. She shook her head, reminding herself that she should be happy, but as she watched the last of James Potter disappearing out of the library, she felt anything but.


	4. Approximation

**Chapter 4:**

'So, you know what I heard?' said Sirius jovially to the others that evening.

'What?' said Peter. Remus looked up from his parchment, but James made no sign of having registered the comment.

'This oughta interest you, Pongy.' continued on Sirius, in a sickeningly cheerful voice. James just looked away.

'Fine! I see you're not to be taken in by tantalizing hooks. Cut straight to the punch line, Sirius! Lily dumped Frank.' he said.

James' eyes hardly flickered.

'Come again?' said Remus.

'The darling love of Jamsie's life who he wants to shag senseless and make lots of babies with dumped his proclaimed 'mortal enemy'.' exclaimed Sirius. 'Though I thought that was Snivellus or Malfoy.' he added as an afterthought.

'Well that's...that's great!' said Remus, looking expectantly at James.

'How can she have dumped him, if they weren't going out in the first place.' said James in a low voice, his eyes flicking to Remus. It wasn't really a question.

'That's not the point!' said Sirius quickly. 'The point is she's back on the market, Jamsie! You'll have to turn on that Potter charm now, aye?'

James stood up.

'She doesn't fucking want me. She doesn't even want to be around me. If she had her way, she probably wouldn't even want me to live. And what's life without her, anyway?' he said, walking out of the common room, leaving his friends speechless.

* * *

Sirius was worried. He knew James was in a bad mood, and he liked to stay up late, but it was two-o clock in the morning and James was not yet back. In fact, Sirius hadn't seen him since he has disappeared out of the portrait hole hours before. And he was still not quite sure why James was in a bad mood in the first place. He had heard some people whispering about James blowing his top and shouting at Lily, but Sirius disregarded it. James would never shout at Lily.

But still, he was worried. What if something happened to James? No one could deny it, James could be an arrogant little bugger, and if he went wandering off, lost in his thoughts, got himself tangled in a dangerous situation he thought he could handle by himself...Sirius didn't want to think about it.

Soft footsteps came padding down the staircase. Sirius looked up to see a haggard looking Remus standing at the top.

'Has he been back yet?' muttered Remus wearily. Sirius looked away, and shook his head. Remus sighed, and started descending down the stairs.

'Do you think he's ok?' asked Remus. Sirius shrugged.

'I don't know.' he said. 'I don't know.' he repeated, under his breath, and covered his face in his hands.

'I'm sure he'll be fine, Siri. He can look after himself.' Sirius stared at Remus. How could he be so calm?

'What if he's not, Remus? What if he's not, aye? What if our best friend is out there, somewhere, lying in a pool of blood and we're here saying to ourselves "James is a big boy, he'll be fine!"? Huh? You know what he's been like recently! He's been on a downward spiral. He's not eating, and he barely sleeps. He didn't even pass his recent transfiguration test! _Transfiguration_, Remus! He got an Outstanding for transfiguration on his owls! What if Lily going out with Frank was the last straw? FUCK, what are we going to do?' Sirius spewed out, and began pacing around the room.

'Sirius, calm down. You're tired, and you're making yourself hysterical. He's got an invisibility cloak, remember? He'll probably just be wandering around the castle, and if he's not, nothing will harm him because nothing will see him!'

'We have to do _something_!'

'Well, what do you suppose we do, Sirius?' questioned Remus wearily, closing his eyes. 'We can't go out into the forbidden forest in the middle of the night looking for him. We'd more likely die than find him. And what if James woke up in the morning and found that his friends had gone gallivanting off to 'save' him and they were killed? He'd never forgive himself!

'We can...go to Dumbledore!' shouted Sirius.

'And turn in our best friend?'

'He could be DEAD, Remus!'

'Can't you hear yourself? Don't you think you're being a bit irrational? He's probably just sitting in the library, brooding, planning for the millionth time how to get Lily. Jesus, Sirius, he'll probably have a damn good laugh at you in the morning! You're being paranoid! Go to bed. I am.' and with that, Remus retreated back up the stairs.

Sirius shook his head, and tried to make himself go back up to bed. Course he was being silly. Course James was fine. He was just...having a bad day. He'd be wandering around the corridors in his cloak, maybe stealing some food from the kitchens...Sirius laughed. _Cheap little bugger_, he thought to himself. With this thought in mind, Sirius made he way quickly up the staircase, into bed, and within about a minute, he was asleep.


	5. Reflection

**Chapter 5:**

James reached out his fingers, which were red and throbbing from the cold, and ran them alone the cool, smooth surface. The vapour from his breath was clouding up his glasses, but he was seeing more with his heart, he knew. The glass felt cold beneath his fingertips, and he pulled them away, not wanting to disturb the picture in front of him.

He stared at his reflection. He supposed he couldn't really call it a reflection, because it neither reflected the scene or the atmosphere of where he was standing; though he knew it captured his expression and body language perfectly. His eyes were filled with tears, tears of anger and bitterness and longing, but his mouth was turned upwards into a smile. And he knew why.

There she was. Her beautiful hair held up by white lilies, covered in a flowered white veil. Her perfect body was cocooned in flowing white silk, and her petite feet were bare. She was holding a bouquet of white roses, and tears were falling softly down her cheeks, but he had never seen her looking happier in his life.

And she was standing next to him. He was wearing a jet-black tuxedo of the finest quality, with tails at the back. His crisp white shirt was the colour of innocence, and his bow tie was crooked, leaning towards her.

They were standing next to each other in what looked like a muggle church. Of course, James thought to himself, Lily's family were muggles, so she'd want to have it somewhere they could see her, that wasn't full of magic.

Pink and white petals were falling from the sky, and he saw in the background his mother and father waving and smiling, but they were also crying.

He also saw Sirius and Remus standing behind him. Remus was smiling softly, but Sirius had a huge grin on his face, and kept winking at the two of them, mouthing "Have fun tonight!"

Lily gave a small laugh, and placed her hand upon James' shoulder. He felt it with his heart rather than his body, and he brought up his hand to take hers in his, but when he reached up to grab it, he felt only the rough fabric of his wizard's robes. He looked down, and his tuxedo had disappeared; in place of it were just his usual, dirty old robes. He gasped and felt a fresh batch of tears come pouring down his face. He looked around the room, which held no secrets or lies like the mirror. It was what it was, a plain, cold, stone room. It was blank, dirty and grimy, with no emotion. Somewhere deep inside his heart, James felt a feeling similar to how the room looked.

He turned back and looked into the mirror. There it all was, his deepest desire, staring him straight in the eyes. But this time, he noticed something else, in the background. Sitting on his mother's lap, was a little boy. His jet-black hair was sticking up in all directions, untamed and wild, and his big green eyes were wide, and he was smiling happily. Suddenly, James knew who this little boy was. He knew it with every ounce of his soul. But as clearly as he knew who it was, he knew that he would ever only exist in this mirror. As clearly and perfectly as he saw this scene and wished for it to be true, he knew that it was about as likely as the little boy being the one to diminish Voldemort.

And suddenly he couldn't take it anymore. His son laughing. His perfect wife smiling and crying. Him, but not him, surrounding by friends and family, standing in the midst of a scene that was and could only ever be a fairytale. He gritted his teeth, and tightened his fist. He felt a mad rush of anger come surging through his body, making his head throb. He roared, and every ounce of strength that he possessed he sent hurtling towards the mirror in his fist, aiming right at Lily's face.

Upon impact, the mirror shattered, but just as the jagged pieces were just about to hit the stone floor, they stopped, and floated eerily back up to the frame.

James looked down at his fist. One of his fingernails had been ripped off, and he was bleeding freely from several deep cuts. He could have conjured bandages, but the crimson blood trickling down his arm, the thick liquid that was the life of him, fascinated him. The same colour of her hair, he thought to himself.

He felt the pain, of course. He suspected he had also broken a knuckle, or a finger, but instead of making him sad, he felt powerful. Through the pain and the blood, he felt stronger.

Suddenly, he felt a presence in the room. He felt them walk towards him, and stop, just behind him.

He whirled around, with "And what do you think you're doing here?" ready to come bursting out his lips, but before the first syllable had even begun to be formed in his mouth, his breath caught in his throat.

There was no one there.

Yet he heard them. He felt them. He almost thought he could hear them, breathing deeply. He glanced hastily at the corner, but his invisibility cloak was still lying there, untouched. He supposed it wasn't impossible for someone else to have a cloak.

He cleared his throat. 'Who's there?' but as soon as he spoke the words the feeling was gone, the presence was lost. He shook his head, and blinked his eyes hard. He must be tired.

Suddenly, he heard a voice in his ear, whispering.

'Look in the mirror.' it said, and he spun around, his arms outstretched. His hands came in contact with nothing. He plunged his hand into his pocked, and pulled out his wand.

'Accio Invisibility cloak!' he cried, pointing his wand straight at where he heard the voice coming from. An invisibility cloak came soaring into his hands, but it was only his own.

He felt his body tremble, and it was not from the cold. Spells, snitches and cloaks he could deal with; voices with no source he could not. He cleared his throat again.

'Look,' he started, hearing the tremble in his voice but begging himself to go on, knowing he would never have the courage to continue if he stopped, 'I know you're in-' but suddenly he stopped, the full impact of the person – or thing's – words hitting him. He turned around, and looked slowly up into the mirror.

What he saw horrified him. It was no longer the beautiful church scene, with the smiling, crying faces. It was him, and only him. Swirling around behind him was thick, black smoke, shifting and changing. He was bruised, battered and bleeding tears of crimson blood, but a sick smile was playing upon his face. He laughed softly, his dark, hollow eyes betraying his pretence. He stared into them, and they stared right back, devoid of emotion.

He turned to examine his body. His arms, legs and torso were thicker, stronger, but he had a large gash in his side, issuing copious amounts of blood.

Yet still he was smiling, still laughing softly, although nothing in the picture seemed remotely funny. He saw the power that was radiating from his body, and he felt it through every heartbeat. He saw that although he was bruised and battered, he was invincible.

James stared back at his reflection. He was disgusted and fascinated. He saw his reflection's mouth move, and he moved closer, straining to hear it.

'I'm...I'm a free man. No one tying me down. No one to fear, not even Voldemort! I don't need Lily...she's not even a part of my world anymore. Or Sirius. Or Remus. Or anybody!' his reflection continued on muttering in this manic way, but James didn't want to hear it. He stumbled away from the mirror. He fumbled with the door, becoming painfully aware of the state his hand was in once more. He wrenched it open, and staggered down the hallway, not bothering to summon his invisibility cloak, not bothering to take a secret passage to avoid any teachers who might be patrolling the corridors. He wasn't quite sure where he was going, anyway, because he wasn't quite sure where he was. He had stumbled on the room by accident.

But he didn't care. All he cared about was getting as far away from the mirror as possible, as though if the distance between him and it was further, then he could push it out of his mind.

He kept on walking, rasping loudly and leaving a small trail of blood behind him. Suddenly he felt his knees buckled, and he fell to the cold stone floor. He pulled himself into a corner, and leant against the wall.

He had no desire to get up soon, or in the morning, or even at all. What was making James so miserable was not the throbbing pain in his hand, nor the prospect of having to spend a whole night in the cold; it was that as he cast his mind back to the image of himself; torn, bleeding, half-mad and powerful, as much as it repulsed him, he knew that the mirror never lied, nor the voice inside his head, telling him clearly and surely, that that was the deepest, most desperate desire of his heart, and he knew it.


	6. NO regurgitation

**Chapter 6:**

'Mr Potter, WHAT are you doing?' pierced into James eardrum along with a dull ringing sound and a strong, thudding pain in his hand. And all over his body, now that he thought about it. He opened his eyelids groggily and slowly looked up. Professor McGonagall was standing over him, her smooth face set hard. James was about to attempt an ingratiating smile, but found that he couldn't be bothered. He sighed, and looked down at his hands. McGonagall's eyes followed his.

'What have you done to your hand!' she cried, swooping down to kneel beside him. His hand was encrusted in a thick layer of dried blood, and one bit was still bleeding a little. He looked away, staring hard into the stone cold floor. McGonagall pulled out her wand, vanished the blood, cleaned the wound, and wound it in bandages.

'There we go, Mr Potter, that should help.' and before he knew it, he was on a stretcher, and being carted off to the hospital wing.

Normally, he would have protested. He would have hopped off the stretcher, grinned jovially, made up some ridiculous story, given a wink, and scuttled off to the dormitory to await the owl that would bring him the time of his detention.

But he didn't. He lay there, silent, still and cold. He saw the portraits looking curiously down on him, but soon all manner of things became a blur before his eyes, and everything went black.

o

o

o

James yawned loudly. He felt very groggy, and he tried to open his eyes. He heard furtive whispering, coming from the direction of...Remus' bed? He opened his eyes and scanned the room.

This wasn't the right dormitory. The beds were all wrong. There were way too many. Where am I? he thought furtively, and sat up so fast he felt all the blood rushing to his head. He closed his eyes, and heard footsteps come rushing towards him.

He opened his eyes again, and saw Remus and Sirius sitting beside him.

'Where the hell am I?' asked James. His friends exchanged glances.

'You'll have to speak more clearly, James, we can't understand you.' said Sirius, a smirk of a smile on his face.

'WHERE...AM...I?' James said loudly. Sirius shook his head.

'You're in the hospital wing, James.' said Remus clearly.

'Yeah, you dick, you've got one hell of a hangover. What were you drinking last night?' asked Sirius.  
Last night. Last night. Where was I last night? James thought to himself. An image of a mirror came into his head first, and then all the images and events of the previous evening came flooding back. James closer his eyes, took a deep breath, and shook his head.

'I didn't have anything to drink last night.' Sirius' smile broadened.

'Lies make baby Jesus fat.' he said.

'Who's baby Jesus?' asked Remus curiously.

'Oh, some muggle dude the muggles worship.'

'Why?'

'How should I know?'

'Why do lies make him fat?'

'It's just a saying!'

'I've never heard it.'

'Yeah, well, you're not a muggle-'

'I didn't have anything to drink last night.' James interrupted loudly. Remus shifted in his seat.

'Nothing?' asked Remus. James sighed.

'Nothing.' he reiterated. A guilty look spread across Remus' face, and he jumped up.

'Be back in a sec, okay?' he said, and ran off. James looked at Sirius.

'Remus convinced the nurse to give you a potion for your "hangover". They can be really helpful if you have one, but if you don't, like you say, they can have some strange...side effects. He's probably off to get the antidote to it.' Sirius said, answering James' unasked question. James sighed, and lay back down.

'So...what were you doing last night, then, if you weren't drinking, aye? Where were you?' asked Sirius, trying to sound casual and teasing, but James could hear the worry. James considered his answer.

'In my mind.' he said finally. Sirius looked uneasy.

'Oh, ok. And, ah, where in the castle is that, may I ask?' Again, James paused.

'Wherever I want it to be.' Sirius gave a weak smile.

'Talking in riddles today, are we?' James looked at Sirius, then looked away. Sirius noticed the dull expression in his hollow eyes, and the dark rings around them. Sirius saw his friend drowning, but couldn't reach him, couldn't pull him out. Drowning in a sea of testosterone, Sirius heard Lily's voice ringing through his head: her favourite saying. He laughed softly. James made no reaction, just stared dumbly at the ceiling.

'Hey, mate, come on. What's wrong with you?' asked Sirius. James had a faraway look in his eyes.

'Nothing.' he said, distantly. Suddenly, his eyes came back into focus, as though the impact of his words had hit him. 'There's nothing...' and suddenly his lips opened to reveal his teeth, but it looked more like a grimace than a smile to Sirius.

Suddenly they heard the bustle of footsteps, and Remus came towards them, with a steaming hot jar clasped in his hands.

'Drink this,' he instructed, handing the jar to James. James eyes it wearily. 'Honestly, if you don't, you'll fell a hell of a lot worse.' James took the jar, sipped it tentatively, the sculled the whole thing. Remus was shocked, and he stared at James, a horrified expression on his face.

'That's...that's...you...it...that's gotta hurt, mate! It's boiling hot! You'll...it'll-' but Remus was interrupted as James slumped down on his pillow, his low snores now filling the air.

'Knock you right out.' Sirius said, finishing Remus' sentence for him. Remus stared at Sirius, who turned around and walked slowly out of the hospital wing, no idea where he was headed.


	7. NO invitation

**Chapter 7:**

Sirius stared at his friend across the table. His black hair was matted and knotted, and his robes were scruffy and grimy. The black rings underneath his eyes were the worst Sirius had seen yet. His eyes gazed into the distance, a distance where no one else could go. Sirius waved his hand in front of James' face.

'Hello? Anyone home? Don't you want something to eat, James? Mmmmm, yum, food is good! Remember how much you used to like food? James?' Sirius said, waving stacks of toast in front of James' face; in vain, he knew. James hadn't eaten hardly anything in about a week.

James shook his head. 'I'm good, aye.' Sirius sighed.

'Well, there's a funny thing, here was me thinking human beings needed to eat to stay alive, what was I thinking, I'm so ridiculous.' Sirius said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. James gave him a cold stare.

'I eat.' he said. Sirius surveyed him.

'Oh, I geddit. You're planning on modeling quidditch robes when you leave school so you're going on a diet?'

James said nothing.

'Or...you've decided the reason Lily won't go out with you is because you're too fat?' James looked up, and stared Sirius straight in the eyes.

'I don't care about Lily anymore.'

'Right...' said Sirius, his voice conveying he didn't believe him in the slightest.

'No, seriously. That part of my life is gone. Over. Dead.' James said this last word with so much venom and precision that Sirius leant back from him. What the hell is the matter with him? thought Sirius.

'Where were you that night last week, James?' asked Sirius.

'I told you-'

'In your mind, right. And you were 'wherever you wanted' in the castle. But pinpoint for me exactly where 'wherever you wanted' was?' James' eyes flicked about, and Sirius could see him thinking, clearly ticking over something in his head. Then he stopped.

'Just wandering around the corridors in my cloak, you know, stealing a bit of food from the kitchens, you know.' Sirius tried to stifle a laugh, but failed. 'What?' asked James.

'Knew it.' said Sirius. James looked away. 'This is the part where you say "Knew what?" and I saw "Knew you'd be doing that, you cheap little bugger!" and you punch me in the arm, then suggest we go out and take advantage of this good weather and try and get in some quidditch practice, and we do, and it's great, and we come back, making it back in time for dinner, where we have second helpings of everything, you even third, and we plan our next prank on Snivellus, and later on in the evening we steal a few butterbeers and you ask out Lily again, and we spend the rest of the evening in deep but ridiculous conversation, and wake up in the morning grumpy and tired, late for classes where we just fool around anyway. What happened to the good old days, James? What the hell happened to you?'

'I grew up.' Sirius felt as though he'd been hit in the face.

'You...you grew up?'

'Yeah, and I stopped chasing ridiculous fantasies. Stupid mirror.' James said this last part under his breath, but Sirius still heard him.

'Stupid mirror? What mirror?' James stood up to leave, but Sirius grabbed him by the arm and wheeled him around. 'What mirror, James?' James looked at him coldly, with those hollow eyes that Sirius was still not used to.

'Do you really care, Sirius? Ask yourself. Do you really care?' Sirius took James by the shoulders and shook him.

'Of course I do, James. Of course I do. You know I do. Marauders stick together, remember? You're like a brother to me. You're suffering, I can see that, but if you-' James cut him short.

'Save the pep talk for someone who cares, alright?' and he wrenched free of Sirius, and strode away.


	8. Rejection

**Chapter 8:**

Lily looked up from her homework, and saw James Potter stride into the library. Lily sighed, and rolled her eyes. There'd be no way she could finish her homework here now. She started collecting it up, intending to move away as soon as James slid into the empty seat beside her. But to her surprise, he slumped down in the corner, staring into space. She cocked her head and stared at him, but his eyes didn't even flicker in her direction. She smiled to herself. Even though she was a little rattled at this strange behaviour, she was glad she wouldn't have to waste her time searching the castle for somewhere to work. She unpacked her stuff, and, with a final glance at James, set to work. She became so involved she didn't notice the hours flying by. When she finally looked up from her parchment, the library was empty. She smiled, pleased with her work. Suddenly, she noticed another person in the room. She turned around, and saw James still sitting in the corner, still staring out into space, a glazed expression on his face. She shook her head.

'Having fun?' she asked. He ignored her. 'I'm sorry, Lily Evans, you do not merit an answer. Are you angry with me, James?' she expected him to raise his hand to his heart and bat his eyelashes dramatically at her for saying his name, but he did nothing. 'James?' he blinked, and looked at her.

'Why would I be angry with you, Evans?' she stared at him. That was the first time he had ever called her by her last name.

'Oh, so I'm Evans now, am I?'

'You always were.'

'Yes, but you used to call me Lily.'

'Sorry, Lily. I didn't realize it was so important to you.'

'It's not.'

'Then why are you going on about it?'

'I'm not, I was just curious.'

'Curiosity killed the cat.' Lily stared at James.

'Geez, what's up your ass?' Get up on the wrong side off the bed, did you?'

James said nothing.

'Well, then, as riveting as this conversation is, I'm leaving. I've finished my homework.'  
James still said nothing. Lily packed up her books, got up and walked away, stopping and turning around to look at him in the doorway. 'Goodbye.' he looked away. 'Aren't you going to say goodbye?'

'See ya, Lily.' Lily stared at him, sensing a flash of the old James she knew so well, but he was still looking away, staring at nothing in particular.

Lily left the library, making her way up to the common room. There was definitely something up with James, she decided. A small voice in the back of her head was nagging her, telling her it was her fault. She shook it off. How could it be her fault? _You broke his heart_, it said.

_So?_ she thought back, _I can't go out with him just to please him, what about me? He's just a jealous little bastard who needs to grow up.  
_

_You saw the look in his eyes. He's beyond depression.  
_

_And?  
_

_You're the one who's done this to him, you heartless bitch.  
_

Lily blinked, and shook her head. She had no idea her conscience could be so vicious! She laughed aloud, getting a weird look from some first years passing her.

She went to dinner, chewing more over the thoughts in her head than the food she ate. She noticed James didn't come to dinner.

After a long dinner and a long, hot bath, she made her way back to the common room, where she found all the other sixth years hastily working.

'What are you guys doing?' she asked.

'Homework. Charms assignment. It's due tomorrow, don't you remember?' replied Amelia.

'I've finished already.' said Lily, proudly.

'Oh God, have you? Do you think I could just look over it quickly? Only I don't think I've done it right.'

'Sure.' said Lily, happy to be the one supplying the work, rather than the one begging for it for a change. She rummaged through her satchel.

'It's not here!' she exclaimed. Amelia sighed.

'Are you sure you've done it?'

'Yeah, I did it in ...the library.' Lily suddenly realised where it must be. 'I must have left it in there. I'll have to go and get it. Sorry.' she muttered. Amelia rolled her eyes.

'Go and do it, more like.' she said, under her breath, but Lily heard her. She decided to ignore it, and she swung her satchel over her shoulder and climbed out of the portrait hole.

She made her way briskly to the library, furtively asking portraits what the time was; hoping the library wasn't closed, and hoping she wouldn't be caught out of bed after curfew.

She came to the library door, crossed her fingers and turned the door knob- and it opened! She breathed a sigh of relief and tiptoed into – darkness. She swore, and pulled out her wand.

'_Lumos_!' she whispered. A feeble light came out of the tip of her wand. She cleared her throat. 'LUMOS!' she said, louder. The light grew stronger, but she could still see hardly anything, but she did notice the librarian wasn't there. Hmmm, that's strange, she thought to herself. Why was the door open? She walked over to where she had been sitting, and, sure enough, there was her parchment. She smiled, and put it in her pocked. She heard a small cough behind her, and she wheeled around.

'Who's there?' she said.

'Just me.' said a familiar voice. She walked closer and saw James still sitting in the same corner she had left him in.

'Have ... have you been here all this time?' she asked, not really wanting to hear the answer she knew was coming.

'Yes.'

'Why?' she asked, moving closer.

'Why not.' he said, as a statement rather than a question.

'Aren't you cold? Hungry? A little bit scared of sitting in a pitch- black room alone?' she looked into his eyes, and saw the first flicker of emotion she had seen for some time.

'I guess so.'

'You ... you guess so? What ... how...' she moved closer and saw next to him. She felt him flinch. It was the closest she had ever been to him. She was a bit worried he might try and 'do' something to her, but he just shifted slightly, and looked away, so she was staring at the back of his head. She inhaled deeply, and was hit with a smell that was so ... manly. She was reminded of the fact that this was the closest she had been to any guy. He turned his head, and stared at her.

'Why are you here?' he asked. She sighed. She didn't really know herself.

'Because you seem down. You-' he cut her off.

'Why do you care?' he asked. She was taken aback.

'Huh?' she asked, blinking.

'It's just kind of weird to have someone sitting opposite you, staring at you, saying they care that something is wrong with you with the same eyes you have seen staring at you with pure hatred for years.' It took Lily a few seconds to sort out what he had said, and once she had, she sighed.

'I don't hate you, James. Look, let's not-'

'I don't want to hear it, ok? I just don't. Why don't you go and take that parchment back to Amelia?'

Lily stared at him. 'How the hell-'

'Did I know? I watch the world, and piece it together.' Lily couldn't believe someone so idiotic could be so perceptive. Although, she had only noticed it recently since ... well, since he had yelled at her, actually. She felt the little voice in her head get ready to start up, but she didn't want to hear it.

'Shut up.' she said, realizing too late that she had said it outwardly.

'Fine.' he said. Lily shook her head.

'No, not you. Just...' she stopped, realizing how crazy she would sound if she continued.

'The voice inside your head?' he said, cocking his head. Her eyes widened. He laughed, hollowly, and got up. 'I suppose I should probably go. Don't want to get caught out at night again.' he started to walk away.

'Where were you that night?' Lily asked. He stopped, but didn't reply. She sighed. 'Aren't you even going to help me up, you lousy gentleman?' she said, grumbling. He continued walking, and said back to her.

'You've got legs and arms yourself, don't you? Try depending on yourself for once, Evans.' he said, and strode away. She sighed, and lifted herself up. Suddenly she saw his head poking around the door.

'How does it feel to be the one strode away from, rather than the one striding away? The tables have turned, Lily.' he said, and laughed with a hint of maliciousness in his voice, and disappeared again.  
It took a few seconds for his words to sink in, then sink away, before Lily could pull herself together and walk away too.

o

o

o

'And it was weird, you know? He was so distant.' said Lily, later on in the common room, to Amelia, who was hastily copying Lily's essay.

'So? Isn't that a good thing? He's been an idiot for ages, he's probably just grown up a little bit.' said Amelia, a hint of annoyance in her voice.

'It doesn't seem like he's grown up, it seems like... well, it seems like he's depressed.' said Lily quietly.

'He's probably just jealous of you and Frank.'

'I don't know. I don't think that's all.' Amelia stared at Lily.

'I never thought I'd say this, but I agree with Potter. What does it matter to you? He's leaving you alone, that's the main thing. Why do you care?' Lily pondered a moment, then gave up.

'I don't know. I guess I don't. I'm just ... doesn't matter. Hey, how's your Charms assignment going?' she said, changing the topic. Amelia sighed, looked down at her parchment and nodded slowly, scanning through it.

'It's not bad.' she muttered.

'Oh, yeah,' said Lily, smiling a little, 'And is it any different from mine?' Amelia frowned, and looked up.

'Hey, you can't say anything, the amount of times-'

'Yeah, yeah, I know. I was just kidding.' Lily yawned. 'I think I might go up to bed.'

'Isn't it a little early?'

'Yeah, but I'm tired. I need a good sleep, I think.'

'Ok then. G'night.'

'Night.


	9. Agitation

**Chapter 9:**

Remus heard James tossing and turning restlessly in his bed. Of course, this was no different from any other night. Remus was sure James hadn't slept for a long time. James sighed loudly, and Remus heard his bed creak, his curtain open, and he heard soft footsteps go creeping along the floor and padding down the stairs. _Where is he going?_ Remus thought to himself. Reluctantly, he wrenched himself out of his bed and walked down the dormitory stairs.

'Where are you going?' asked Remus, as he watched James slip on his invisibility cloak and head for the portrait hole. James stopped, his head dropped and he turned slowly around.

'What business is it of yours?' he said, almost bitterly. Remus blinked, and shook his head.

'What?' he asked, sure he must have heard his friend wrongly.

'What do you care? Go back to bed, Remus, you need your sleep, you'll need to wake up early to finish your charms assignment, you're slipping behind and you know it.' James said darkly. Remus sighed; his eyebrows creased more than James had ever seen.

'Look, I don't know what's gotten into you, James, but you've got to snap out of it, we're here to help!'

'Oh, are you? It seems to me you're just trying to be a pain in the butt.' James said, turning to leave.

'If you go anywhere, I'm coming too, James.'

'Well, that'll be funny. Be sure to memorize the look on McGonagall's face when she finds you wandering the corridors in the middle of the night talking to yourself.'

'Why should I remember it, you should be able to remember it yourself.' Remus said, without thinking. James gave a sharp intake of breath, but said nothing. 'Sorry, I really shouldn't have said that.' said Remus.

'No, no.'

'I'm really, really sorry-'

'It's fine.

'I don't ... you know, she didn't ... I don't know if you actually were, she just...'

'I'm fine.'

'You ... you are? Well, if you are,' said Remus, his voice growing in confidence again, 'Then you should have no problem telling me where you were that night. And no,' interrupted Remus as James began to speak, holding up his hand, 'I don't want this cock and bull "wandering around, stealing a bit of food" shit that you fed Sirius. I want the truth.'

James opened his mouth to speak, but clearly though better of it. He closed it, and shifted his feet.  
'Well?' Remus pressed. James walked slowly across the room. He picked up an old pumpkin juice container, and placed it a few paces behind Remus. He then moved an armchair a little closer and pulled down one of the coverings a bit, towards Remus.

'What are you doing?' asked Remus, baffled by James' actions. James pulled out his wand.

'_Wingardium Leviosa_.' he muttered, and Remus watched a vase come floating towards them.

'What...' said Remus, but then he realized what James was about to do. Before Remus could do anything, the vase came crashing down on his head. The last thing Remus heard before it all went black was a whisper,

'Sorry, Moony.'

o

o

o

'Remus? Remus?' Remus felt a hand slapping his face. He shook his head, and opened his eyes. Sirius, along with several other Gryffindors, was peering down at him.

'What happened, Remy? You ok?' asked Sirius, a worried look creasing his handsome face. Remus sat up slowly, the events of the previous night sinking in, along with a dull pain. He looked around the room, but James was nowhere to be seen. Seen... Remus scanned his eyes around the room, looking for other signs this time. And he found them. In the corner, the curtain was very ruffled, and it looked like someone had been – no, was – sitting on it. Remus squinted, and saw that a small fold of the curtain was flapping back and forth, which it was quite unable to do on it's own. He sighed. Well, at least he wasn't in the hospital wing again.

'Yeah, I'm fine.' he muttered.

'Did you trip?' asked Sirius. Remus looked around. Clever boy, he thought to himself. It looked exactly like he'd tripped. Remus shook his head softly, and stood up. As soon as he had, Sirius grabbed his arm and led him quickly out of the common room.

'Where are we going?' asked Remus, baffled. Sirius said nothing, but led him quickly away. Suddenly, Sirius pulled Remus around a corner.

'What happened?' asked Sirius urgently. Remus shook his head.

'What?'

'Don't play dumb with me. I saw James sitting in the corner.' Remus snorted.

'You saw...?' Sirius gave him a cold stare.

'You know what I mean. Why was he?'

'I have ... no idea.'

'Did he do that to you?'

'What?'

'Come on, Remus. This is serious. I know you don't trip. That looked like...like someone had set it up. Did he?' Remus' eyes shifted, and he stayed silent. Sirius let out a growl, his animal instincts getting the better of him. 'He...he did?'

Remus sighed. 'He's not in his right mind, Padfoot. He's...gone down a tunnel with no light at the end-'

'Don't go all metaphoric and shit on me, all right? This is _un_acceptable. That's so...what the _hell_ has gotten into him?'

'Don't get angry, Siri, he needs us to-'

'He _needs_ up? Well he has a funny way of showing it! Attacking someone...no, not just someone, a _friend_... you just don't do that, you know? FUCK, why... why aren't you angrier with him?'

'He's not in his right mind, Sirius! We need to help him!'

'How can we help someone who...look, Remus, I know you feel sorry for him, but by the looks of things, he doesn't want our help. He doesn't want _us_. And if that's the way he feels, well that's sure as hell how I feel as well!'

'Sirius-'

'Remus,' Sirius interrupted, and placed a hand on Remus' shoulder, 'I care about you! What if he had really hurt you? Something serious. That's why I'm angry! I feel like... like he's betrayed you, and that betrays me! Alright?' Remus sighed, and nodded.

'Alright. Alright! Just...don't...do anything to him. Something's changed in James, and you know it, you can see it too. Think back to James a few months ago. He never would have done something like this. We need to find out, and try to... save him. What are friends for?'

'For helping each other.'

'Exactly.'

'And protecting each other.'

'Yes...'

'And for stopping people from attacking each other.'

'Sirius...'

'Yeah?'

'Don't.' Sirius sighed in frustration, and Remus saw him literally biting his tongue. 'Let's go down to breakfast, ok?' said Remus.

'Alright.' said Sirius stiffly.

'And if we see him?'

'Punch his motherfu-'

'NO!'

'I mean...actually, no, I don't. What do we do?'

'Act normally.'

Sirius spluttered. 'Act normally? "Oh, hey James, have fun punching in my best friend's face last night?'

'He didn't punch me, Sirius. Or kick me. He-'

'Knocked you out?'

'Sirius. Just...be strong. Resist. This very incident suggests he just-'

'Needs our help. Yeah. Ok. Let's go.'

But James was not at breakfast. Nor was he in classes. At lunchtime, Remus and Sirius checked the hospital wing, but he wasn't there either.

'You know,' said Remus, as they walked away, 'He'll just be in his invisibility cloak. He probably even came to classes!'

'Yeah, that or he's killed himself.' said Sirius darkly. Remus stopped dead.

'That's not even funny, Sirius. That's not-'

'It was just a joke. Like...it's such a ridiculous idea that it's worth joking about because it's so like not even remotely possible...' Sirius trailed away at the looked on Remus' face. Sirius shrugged, and kept on walking, but stopped when he realised Remus wasn't following.

'Come on, Remy.' he said. He took a few steps towards Remus. 'Remus?'

'What if he has, Sirius? Oh fuck, oh shit, what if he has? He-'

'Hasn't. He hasn't, Remus. Would our Prongs do that?'

'He's hardly our Prongs anymore! What if...oh God, what if-'

'What if he's standing right behind you, staring at you like you're crazy?' Sirius said. Remus whirled around.

'Hello, James.' said Sirius, lowly. James just stared at them coldly. 'You gonna say something? Hello is traditional, James, but "hi" or "hey" is acceptable.' James stared numbly at the two, then took a few paces towards Remus.

'Listen, Remus,' he said, with an anxious look on his face, completely disregarding Sirius'I'm...I'm...words can't describe the...excruciating pain that I feel about what I did. I know that is completely wrong...and ...and ...bad...and ...and ...-'

'Yes, James.' said Remus softly.

'I'm really sorry.' James finished.

'Yeah, well, you should be.' muttered Sirius.

James stared at the ceiling. 'Sirius, I-'

'Yeah? Lay it on me, James, lay it on me.' he said. James paused and stared at Sirius for a long time. 'What are you looking at? Trying to figure out which lie will work best? Or are you just planning another attack on your other friend?' James opened his mouth to speak but shut it again, clearly deliberating what to say.

'What's wrong? Cat got-'

'He doesn't.' James muttered. Sirius stopped. James stared at Sirius with a piercing gaze, trying to convey with his eyes that which he wasn't conveying in his words.

'He doesn't.' he repeated. Sirius shook his head.

'What the fuck do you mean, he doesn't? Who doesn't? I don't need you going all metaphoric and...' But he trailed off, his eyes widening. His eyes flicked back and forth. 'Who doesn't, James?' he repeated, trying to resume his accusatory tone, but his eyes were still shifting nervously. James laughed softly, still staring straight at Sirius, with clarity and malice.

'He doesn't.' James repeated. He flicked his eyes upwards with a mock thoughtful look on his face, tapped his head, scratched his chin a few times, then smiled and slowly shook his head. 'The thought hasn't even crossed his mind.'

'You don't know.' spat Sirius.

'I always know, Sirius. Always.' he shrugged, and gave a mock apologetic grin. 'The world is cruel, I know. Toughen up.' he said, and leisurely strolled away.

Remus stared after him. 'What was that all about?' he said. Sirius watched James disappear round the corner, before muttering:

'I...don't know.'

'Come on, Sirius. You do know. Who doesn't what?'

'Remus, do you think I would hold out on you? Of course I'd tell you, if I knew. He's...out of his mind, like you said, he has no idea what he's-'

'He's not crazy, Sirius.'

'I know he's not. But he sure is acting like it.'

'He is not. And you do know what he means.'

'Do not.'

'Do too.'

'Do not.'

'This is ridiculous.

'Is not.'

'Sirius.'

'Am not.'

'Sirius! Honestly, if you keep that up I will curse you into the oblivion.'

'Will not.' whispered Sirius, as they walked into their next class: Transfiguration. Apparently, the class had already started, judging by the full chairs, the open books, the hush that was on the class, and McGonagall's piercing glare.

'Run into a rampaging werewolf, did we, boys?'

Sirius and Remus stopped dead in their tracks, their mouths open. Was she portraying her ignorance, or slipping in a sly comment to show she knew? Sirius glanced at Remus, whose bottom lip was starting to quiver.

'Or perhaps the giant squid rose up out of the lake to hunt you down? Please, boys, inform me immediately of the ghastly tragedy that made you so late to class, so I can see to it as soon as possible.'

Both boys breathed a huge sigh of relief, which was a mistake, apparently.

'Relieved, are you? To hear that your detentions will take place in my office tonight?'

'What?' cried Sirius. 'We're only a few minutes late, Professor! That's ridiculous!'

'Yes, but the amount of times you have been late and I have let you off had added up, and I've had enough! Get to your seats now, boys, or I shall have to give you another for being uncooperative.' Sirius and Remus hastened to their seats. McGonagall gave them a final piercing gaze, before turning around and continuing on with the lesson.

Sirius, as soon as McGonagall's back was turned, leant back and spoke in a loud, fake stage whisper, 'Boys? Who's she calling boys? She looks like she should be in the class, not teaching it! Fresh out of Hogwarts, I reckon!' Professor McGonagall whirled around.

'Mr Black, believe it or not, the world doesn't need to hear every idiotic comment that goes running through your head and for your information,' she went on, a slight pink tinge appearing on her cheeks, 'I have had a great deal more experience in life than you, Black, and I am not fresh out of Hogwarts.' She gave a final 'Hmph!' sort of thing, and turned around again. Sirius watched her back for a while, the turned back to the rest of the class.

'Oh yeah?' he said, in a quieter whisper this time, 'What kind of experience?' and with that he began licking his lips and making suggestive mouth and body movements towards the teacher. The whole class were laughing, as silently as they could. McGonagall, unaware the class wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to her, still had her back turned, and was muttering, pausing every now and again to check her book.

Sirius, encouraged by his now raucous peers and inattentive teacher, stood up, and began enthusiastically miming spanking someone's bottom. The class was bent over, in peals of silent laughter.

'Fucking hell, I'm surrounded by ignorance.' said a voice from the back of the class. Sirius turned around, and saw James starting to stand up. McGonagall whirled around once more.

'What did you just say, Potter? And Mr Black, what are you doing out of your seat?' Sirius sat down hastily, assuming an innocent expression, but James remained standing. 'Sit down, Mr Potter.'

'Why?'

'Excuse me?'

'What's the point. This class is shit. This world is shit. I'm leaving.' and with that he turned around.

'Mr Potter, turn around right this instance!' But he merely raised a hand and walked out of the class. 'MR POTTER!' she yelled, now sounding slightly hysterical. 'Excuse me, class, for a minute, while I go and sort out Mr Potter. Please be quiet while I am gone.' she said, slightly breathlessly, and went rushing out of the room, locking the door behind her.

'What's up with Potter?' asked Frank.

'You should know, Frank.' replied Amelia.

'Whatever it is, I'm sure he'll have a smile put right back on his face once ol' McGonagall "sorts him out", if you know what I mean.' said Sirius, grinning mischievously. There were a few sniggers, but Remus gave Sirius a very pointed look, and Sirius shut up.

McGonagall was gone for almost the whole lesson, coming back with just five minutes to spare. Without James. She made her way to the front of the class, and gave a big sigh. Before she could say anything, Remus' hand was in the air.

'Yes, Mr Lupin?'

'Please, Professor McGonagall, could you perhaps tell me the whereabouts of James?' asked Remus. Sirius tried to hold in a snigger. He was such a goody-good, but it always got him what he wanted. McGonagall looked at Remus, as if suspecting a joke, but, upon realizing his sincerity, she sighed.

'I don't know.' she said.

'What do you mean, you don't know?' asked Sirius loudly.

'Mr Black, raise your hand if you would like to speak.' Sirius stuck up his hand.

'Yes, Mr Black?'

'How can you not know where he is?'

'What's my name?'

'Huh?'

'What is my name, Mr Black?' Sirius blinked.

'Uh, Professor McGonagall.'

'Correct. Please use it when addressing me.' Sirius clicked his tongue impatiently.

'Yes, Professor McGonagall. How can you not know?' McGonagall gave a small sigh.

'Well, not that it's really any of your business, but I was following him around the corner, and when I rounded the corner he was...gone.'

'But you can't apparate or disapparate inside this castle.' said Frank.

'What if he's hurt? Have you told someone?' asked Lily.

'Do not call out in class, Miss Evans, Mr Longbottom! I will not tolerate it! And I have to say I do not appreciate your lack of belief in my ability to act properly and accordingly in a situation such as this. I have alerted Professor Dippet, and other people who might be able to help, and they are seeing to it as we speak, and THAT is enough questions for now, I think, so I will continues on with this class without interruption!' And with that she continued on with the class, and no one spoke out of turn again.


	10. Infliction

**Chapter 10:**

'Where did the owl say we were supposed to meet, again?' asked Remus.

'Just outside her office. Come on.' replied Sirius, striding ahead of Remus in the dark.

'I wonder where James is.' said Remus, running a little to catch up with Sirius.

'Who cares?'

'I do, Sirius.' said Remus sternly.

'Remember what you said the other week? He's a big boy, he'll be fine.'

'Yeah, and look what happened! He came back; his hand completely munted, and depressed! A whole new negative personality!'

'He's just jealous of Frank and Lily.'

'But they're not going out anymore!'

'Well, he was jealous, and when they stopped going out he realised he wasn't good enough for her and it mad him a bit sad...but he'll get over her and it soon enough.' said Sirius briskly. Remus stopped.

'You are such an insensitive prat, Sirius.' Sirius stopped too.

'What? Just because I don't wallow in self pity every time a girl rejects me-'

'No one's ever rejected you, Sirius.' said Remus softly. Sirius felt his heart beat a little faster, but he ignored it, and began walking again.

'That's because they know I'm strong, and have...good emotions!' Remus snorted.

'Good emotions?' he said, raising an eyebrow.

'Yeah, like...I feel happy lots, and I don't get all... "Ooh, look at me, I'm depressed!"'

'Shut up, Sirius.'

'What?'

'Just shut up, ok? God, I hope I have someone other than you around if I'm ever having a rough time.'

'Gee, thanks.' said Sirius, smiling, trying not to show his hurt.

'Aren't you worried about him?'

'Yeah, but I'm worried about you, too. What if he comes after you again?' Remus stared at Sirius.

'He's not going to "come after" me, Sirius! He's not "after" anyone! He's upset! He was just like...like a dementor, that time! I just...got in his way! He's not going to hurt us intentionally, but if we get in his way, we have to be careful! He's still our friend, Sirius! James is still there somewhere!'

'Yeah.' muttered Sirius, as they rounded the corner. Professor McGonagall was standing there, outside her door, waiting. They stopped.

'Come in quickly, boys.' she said, pointing a long finger into her office. They shuffled quickly in. She motioned at two seats behind two desks. They sat down.

'No need to look so petrified, it's only lines.' Both boys breathed a sigh of relief.

'But that does not mean this will be enjoyable, or even simple! I want you to write,' she flicked her wand, and two quills appeared, ' "I will come to class promptly in future"', she said, with another flick of her wand, two pieces of parchment appearing, 'At least two thousand times.' she said, flicking her wand again. Two sparkly zeros floated over to the boys and hovered above their heads. 'I will be in my office marking papers all evening, so don't think you'll be able to slack off or muck around. If you have completed your two thousand before midnight, you will keep on going, because the numbers are linked to a time system, and if you cease writing for more than one minute your numbers will be depleted and you will have to begin again.'

'But Professor, what if we need to go toilet?'

'To the toilet, Mr Black, it's a noun, not a verb, and you should have gone after dinner.'

'Oh, but Professor-'

'No, Black. This'll teach you to not to be late to my class.'

'I'll piss on the chair.' said Sirius, but he whispered it, so only Remus could hear. Remus snorted.

'Something funny, Lupin?' Remus forced the smile off his face.

'No, Professor.'

'Then you shouldn't be laughing. Begin.' she said, flicking her wand. She walked over to her desk, sat down and began to work, and the boys did too. For a while all that could be heard was the scratching of quills on parchment. After about an hour, McGonagall paused.

'I will need to go out the room for a few minutes, boys. I will be back as soon as possible. Do no slack off, or muck around, or you'll be in serious trouble.' and she walked out of the room. Once she had closed the door, Sirius sighed.

'Fuck, my hand is so sore, it's gonna fucking drop off soon, seriously.'

'Grow some balls, Sirius.' Remus said, without lifting his head. Sirius grinned, and reached his hand down.

'Already have. Wanna see them, Remy?' he said, grinning.

'Yeah, sure.' said Remus, still not looking up from his parchment. Sirius' jaw dropped. 'You better get back to your parchment, Sirius.' Sirius shook his head, and leant down, Remus' words still running through his head. He shook his head again, trying to clear his head, and calm his heart.

'I was joking, by the way, Sirius.' said Remus. Sirius looked up, and then gave a delayed laugh.

'Of course. I knew that.' he said, his voice a bit jittery. He ruffled his hair, and then gave a smile, his brain coming back. 'I don't think you were, though. I'm pretty sexy, I know.' and with that he leant down, continuing on with his lines.

'Yeah.' said Remus, absently. Sirius' eyes widened.

'What-' he began, but Remus cut him off.

'Can you hear that?' he asked. Sirius fell silent, and strained his ears.

'No.' he said finally. 'What is it?' Remus fell silent, straining his ears.

'A...a stag.' he said finally.

'Aye?' asked Sirius.

'It's a stag. I think.'

'Is it...is it James?'

'I don't know. I can't tell from here.'

'Well, I'm sure there can't be that many stag Animagus's in this school!'

'It's in the forest, Sirius; there's a lot of different animals in the forest.'

'Oh.' Remus fell silent again.

'Something's wrong.' he said suddenly.

'Aye?' asked Sirius, who had begun on his lines again.

'It's limping.'

'Damn.' said Sirius.

'Sirius, this is serious! What if it's James? What if he's hurt?'

'Are you sure it's a stag, Remus?' Remus gave him a pointed look.

'I can hear better than most, you know, being a werewolf and all.'

'Do you wanna go and look out the window?'

'What if McGonagall comes back?'

'I'll do it then.' said Sirius, and he stood up, and walked over to the window, and peered out.

'I can't see anything.' he said. Remus sighed.

'Open it, and use Lumos. And hurry, before she gets back.' Sirius forced the window open and muttered 'Lumos.' He stared out the window, saying nothing.

'Well?' asked Remus, after a while.

'It's...it is a stag.' he muttered.

'And? Is it James?'

Sirius shook his head softly. 'I...I don't know.' Remus swore.

'How can you not know?' Sirius shook his head.

'It...it looks like James...but...' he trailed off.

'But what, Sirius? Oh for crying out loud...' Remus stood up and joined Sirius at the window.

'Can you see him...ah, it?' asked Sirius.

At first, Remus couldn't. He flicked his eyes back and forth until they became accustomed to the dark outside. And then he saw it.

The stag stood on the opposite side of the lake, glittering in the dappled light that was falling down from the crescent moon sitting in the dark sky. It's reflection rippled in the deep black of the lake. Something silver was glinting in the moonlight, something the stag was holding in its mouth, it's ends dangerously sharp. Remus watched as it limped over to a nearby tree, and became shrouded in darkness once more. Remus squinted his eyes, and could just see the stag throwing its head back, and forcing the silver into the side of the tree. The tree shook slightly, a few leaves parting from the branches, falling like tears down upon the animal. The stag walked to the edge of the lake, and peered at its reflection. Suddenly, it gave a shake, and disappeared. Remus squinted, and saw that in place of the stag was a young man, his glasses reflecting the moonlight, his untidy black hair shrinking into shadow.

'James,' Remus whispered, his breath caught in his throat.

'JAMES!' shouted Sirius, but the young man made no sign of having heard him. James stared into the darkness of the lake, which looked like it was about to reach up and consume him. He took one last glance and stood up. He scrunched his face up in concentration, and in this position Remus could see the silver tears running down his face. Suddenly, he was a man no more, but the elegant stag he had been.

'What's he doing?' muttered Sirius. 'JAMES!' he shouted again. Remus couldn't speak. He felt like he was about to throw up, frozen with sick anticipation. He wanted to grab Sirius, to scream at him, make him understand what their friend was about to do. He wanted to be sick, he wanted to shout out, he wanted to make him stop, he wanted to wake up, but all he could do was stand, and look, and feel the cold wind licking around his cheeks...and his heart.  
The stag looked up at the moon; a last, cold, wistful glance. It then looked down at its feet, and even as an animal, the silver tears were leaking down its face. Remus suddenly noticed the deep cuts covering the stag's body, some which were bleeding freely. The stag looked up, and stared squarely at the tree. Suddenly it threw back its head, and began to canter as fast as it could at the glinting blade.

'NO!' cried out Remus, the sound ripping out of his throat and through the air, but it was too late; the dagger plunged into the stag's chest. It stumbled back, leaking tears of blood onto the damp grass below. It staggered backwards, until its hind legs splashed at the dark lake. Then, it reared back on its hind legs once more, and began to canter, slower this time, at the silver weapon, which was smiling in the moonlight, crying tears of blood.

'PRONGS, NO!' roared Sirius. He exchanged his human body for his canine form, and threw himself out of the window, which was over five stories high. Remus watched the black shape fall to the ground, buckling at the impact. It remained there, motionless.

Remus fell to his knees, retching, emptying his stomach of all its contents, and more. He hauled himself up again, knowing he should do something more than just watch, but he couldn't.

He saw a black shape moving towards the stag, and it was a second before he recognized Sirius. The dog ran towards the stag, his teeth bared, and jumped on him, pushing him to the ground, growling. Remus watched, horrified, the worst thoughts running through his mind. The stag made a few feeble attempts at lifting itself, but it was now much too weak, and blood was pouring copiously from its wounds. The dog began to lap up the blood, and then put its paws firmly on the worst wounds, and gave a loud howl. It looked startled to hear the sound coming from itself, and Remus watched as the Labrador shook, and morphed into his friend.

'REMUS! GET HELP! FUCKING HELL, DO SOMETHING!' he roared. Remus stumbled backward to the door, and fumbled with the door handle. It clicked open, but not of his accord. McGonagall's face appeared, looking stern.

'Mr Lupin, what are you doing out of your seat?' Remus staggered backwards, and tried to force himself to speak.

'James...Sirius...outside...help...please...' he managed to get out. He rushed to the window, and looked down. The young man was still there, trying to apply pressure to the wounds of the stag. Of the stag. Oh shit, thought Remus.

'JAMES! CHANGE BACK! MCGONAGALL...' he tried to yell, but his cries became hoarse and he could no longer get any sound to come out, only rasps. Sirius, however, got the gist of what Remus was trying to say, and leant down, whispering to the stag.

'Come on James, change back, McGonagall will see you! Come on, James, come on!' but the stag only looked up at Sirius with cold, dark, watery eyes, and then looked sadly away. It lay its head down on the grass, it's eyes slowly drifting shut.

'NO!' cried Sirius and he began shaking the animal, mumbling incoherently, tears leaking down his cheeks. His hands suddenly lost their grip, and Sirius looked blindly around, wondering frantically where the stag had gone. He looked down, and saw neither the animal, nor the dewy grass, but his oldest and dearest friend, still crying, still bleeding, and still drifting off to a place where Sirius couldn't follow, a land of no return.


	11. Head Boy

Remus scanned the faces of the crowd, jostling and mingling amidst each other in the crowded train station. He turned to face Sirius, who was standing beside him, a similar look of anxiety upon his face.

'Do you think he's coming?' he asked tentatively, flicking his eyes towards the enormous clock, ticking away precious seconds.

'We better not be late.' was all Sirius said in reply, turning his gaze to the clock also.

'We won't.' said Remus, though he wasn't so sure. 'Do you-'

'Don't worry, Remus. He'll be here. He'll come.' said Sirius roughly. 'I know.'

'Remember last time you "knew"? You "knew" he was fine? You-'

'Shut _up_, Remus!' said Sirius, a little too roughly. Remus stared down at his feet. 'Sorry.' muttered Sirius. 'It's just...'

'I know, Sirius. I know. I'm sorry too.'

They stood there in an awkward silence for a while, shuffling their feet and ticking over the many faces, as the minutes went by. Finally, Sirius looked up at the clock and turned to Remus.

'Look, we gotta go. We'll miss the train. Come on.' he said, tugging on Remus' arm. Remus frantically searched the crowd again, but there was no bob of untidy black hair, glinting glasses, mischievous grin or enormous trunk in sight. Remus sighed.

'Alright then.' he said, hauling up his trunk reluctantly.

'Forgetting something?' said a faint but familiar voice behind them. Remus turned, and saw James standing there, not grinning like an idiot, like usual, but still smiling weakly.

'James!' he cried, pulling James into a warm embrace. James patted him on the back awkwardly, and Sirius laughed at his friend's uncomfortableness.

'Good summer?' he asked, and immediately regretted it. Someone who had tried to... well, do what James had tried to do probably hadn't had a brilliant time. Sirius could still remember his friend's tear stained face as he opened his bloodshot eyes in the hospital wing, that hollow, anguished, sickened look as he stared around the room, and the way he had looked down at himself in disgust, before he retched up the feeble remains in his stomach. James hadn't written anything over the break; the only letters Sirius had received from the Potter's owl were ones from his mother, kindly informing him not to 'intrude' on James, as he was 'in a poorly state' and 'wasn't up to entertaining guests'. Though he was, of course, 'welcome to lunch with her and her husband on Sundays.'

'It was...well, it was a break.' said James shortly. Sirius nodded slowly.

'You didn't...I mean, there wasn't...it...your...mother... is good?' Remus fumbled, ending feebly. James snorted.

'She's fine. Probably relieved to have her annoying fuck of a son out of the house.' Sirius and Remus exchanged glances. 'Shall we go? We don't want to miss it.' they nodded, and started moving towards the barrier.

'How did you get here, anyway? We didn't see you in the crowd.' said Remus.

'I apparated.' said James.

'You _what_?' said Sirius and Remus in unison.

'Got my license over the summer.'

'But...' spluttered Remus, 'Your mum said...and this is a crowded...you...she...'

James shrugged, and continued walking. The came to the barrier, and feigned leaning against it, talking nonchalantly, casually slipping through when no one was looking, and they found themselves looking upon a familiar sight.

'Ah, the Hogwarts Express.' said Sirius, grinning. 'My lovely friend, my brilliant exporter, my fantastic mode of transport to a better place, my-'

'I wonder who's Head Boy?' mused Remus, interrupting Sirius' spiel. James snorted, and the other boys turned to him, and found him grinning, a sight that was extremely familiar to them, but something they had almost forgotten. They hadn't seen it in a long time.

'What's so funny?' asked Remus.

'I was just thinking about the new Head Boy.' said James.

'Oh yeah? Who is it?' asked Remus, who was interested to know who had been given the title instead of him, whom he thought deserved it more.

'Oh, this hot Gryffindor.' muttered James vaguely.

'Sorry, James, but you're wrong. I didn't get it!' said Sirius, grinning. Remus, however, was staring at James.

'We're talking about Head _Boy_ here, James.' he said. James smiled.

'Yeah, I know. I'd fuck him in an instant.' he said, and looked away. Remus gaped.

'You...you think he's hot? A...a _boy_?' he said.

'Who is it?' asked Sirius, his fingers itching as he looked from James to Remus.

'Yours truly.' he said. Remus gaped, and Sirius laughed.

'Very funny, James.' Sirius said, relaxing his fingers, glad to see his friend back into joking mode, but thinking he had far too much faith in their gullibility.

'No, I'm serious. Look at the badge!' he said, reaching into his breast pocket. He pulled out a flash, scarlet badge, with 'Head Boy' embellished boldly in gold. Sirius gasped.

'Oh my fucking God! You little smarmy bitch!' he said, punching James in the shoulder playfully. Remus was still staring.

'_You?_' he said.

'Me.' said James, still grinning. Sirius laughed, and pulled him into a hug.

'Well done, mate.' said Sirius.

'Thanks. I didn't really deserve it, though, did I? Sometimes I wonder if Dumbledore only gave it to me because...well, because of what I did...because he felt sorry for me.' said James, a little sadly. Sirius was unsure what to say.

'I don't reckon he did. You're a good guy, James.' said Remus.

'Yeah, James. You did deserve it, even if you're an arrogant little-' Sirius cut off with a look from Remus, but James gave a short laugh.

'Yeah. Shall we get on the train?' said James, moving towards the vehicle.

'Sure.' said Sirius, and they hauled their trunks over to the enormous Hogwarts express. They got in, and began looking for a compartment.

'Damn, they're all full!' said Sirius. 'All thanks to you, James, we're late, and we're not going to be able to get one for ourselves.'

James smiled. '_I've_ got to go up to the Head Boy and Head Girl carriage, so I'll see you guys later.' he said. Remus gaped, and felt a twinge of envy as he watched James walk to the end of the carriage, open the door, and slip away. It was not the swaggering strut he was used to seeing, though, he noted.


	12. Dissimilar

Lily closed her book, and looked out the window at the cool mist floating eerily around the station. She sighed, and checked her watch. She couldn't believe she was Head Girl, but at the same time, she was proud and felt she deserved it, and finally, it was something her parents could be proud of too. "Head Girl" was something they understood, unlike "Head of the Charms Club" or any of her other accomplishments.

She felt a tingle of excitement. The Head Boy would be here soon, and she couldn't wait. Finally someone, a guy, who would be on her level, of her intelligence, someone who she could spend time with and not want to throw up, someone who-

'Lily!' someone interrupted her thoughts, and she looked towards the door. James Potter was standing there, a look of pleasant surprise upon his face.

'What are you doing here, Potter?' asked Lily, neither as cooly nor with as much venom as she would have normally said it with. She had heard a few whispers about James in the last few weeks of school and over the holidays, and in case even a grain of some of the statements was true, she was going to tread lightly.

'You're Head Girl?' he asked, ignoring her question.

'Yes, I am, no need to be so surprised.' she said.

'I'm not. Well done.' he said, smiling pleasantly. Lily eyed him suspiciously, suspecting a prank.

'Why are you here?' she asked. James opened his mouth to speak, but Sirius Black jumped out from behind him, puffed out his chest and cleared his throat loudly.

'I have come to introduce to you the young man who will be accompanying you in leading the school, your Head Boy.' said Sirius.

'Remus?' she said, without thinking, her face clearly giving away her eagerness. Sirius clicked his tongue, dramatically impatient.

'_No_,' he said, 'But he is the likely candidate, aye? I mean, nice, good looking, great arse-'

Lily looked shocked. '_What_?'

'Just kidding.' said Sirius with a smile. 'It's James.'

'You...you think James has a nice arse?'

'God, you're slow! Honestly..._James_ is Head Boy.'

Lily blinked.

'What?' she asked. 'You've got to be kidding.'

'Nah. Not kidding. Check out the badge! Jamsie! Where'd he go?' Sirius looked around the compartment.

'He left.' said Lily.

'When?'

'Around about the "nice arse", I think.'

'What? Why? JAMES! COME BACK!' hollered Sirius.

James re-appeared, his badge clearly visible on his chest.

'Who'd you steal that from?' asked Lily. James sighed.

'I didn't steal it from anyone.' he said.

'Yeah, he didn't steal it, it's his, honestly! Look, if I try and touch it...' Sirius reached over and tried to pry James badge off his chest, and was promptly hurled across the room.

'You all right?' asked Lily.

'Fine.' said Sirius, scrambling up. 'Cool, though, huh?'

'Amazing.' said Lily, though Sirius missed the sarcasm.

'I know, aye. Well, I best leave you two "dominatrixes" together.' he said, winking at the two of them, and he strode off. Lily watched him walk out, his long black hair swaying behind him, disappearing behind the compartment door before it promptly slammed behind him.

Lily couldn't suppress a small laugh, and she turned to face him.

Her breath caught in her throat as she soaked in the young man sitting in front of her. He had certainly changed a lot over the break. Whereas he had been long and lanky, he had now grown into his height, his shapely muscles and good figure faintly visible under his robes. His enormous, infuriating grin was replaced with a small smile, an adorable dimple faintly visible in the corner of his cheek. Someone had obviously gone to a lot of trouble with his hair, which was no longer unruly and wild. And those eyes...

'I don't think "dominatrixes" was the word he was looking for.' said James quietly. Lily laughed, and James looked up into her eyes. It was such a piercing gaze, full of clarity, and Lily felt a little uncomfortable, as though he were staring into her soul. Those eyes that she had looked into with so much hatred were now making her shift uncomfortably in her seat. She noticed a certain softness about them, but also a sadness about them too, which she had never seen before.

James looked away, and stared out the window; a vain attempt, as it was already misted up from the thick fog surrounding the train.

'What is it we're supposed to do again?' he asked, leaning back in his seat.

'Spend half the train ride in each other's company, and only each other's, to be come properly aquainted with one another.' said Lily. James stared.

'Whad'ya'do, memorize it?' Lily nodded sheepishly. James laughed, a much softer and quieter laugh than she was used to hearing emitting from him.

'How very like yourself you are.' he said. Lily studied him, trying to figure out the meaning of his statement.

'What's that supposed to mean?' she asked.

'Merely...that you are very true to your character.'

'And?' Lily inquired.

'And nothing.'

'Is that a bad thing?'

'Depends what you're like.'

'What am I like?'

'Do I have permission to speak freely?' Lily pursed her lips, and gave him a cold stare.

'Sorry.' said James, looking down at his feet.

'Sorry?' asked Lily, bemused.

'Bugging you. Being an immature idiot. Being...very true to my character, in this case a bad thing.'

'Oh. Well, apology accepted.' said Lily, not used to accepting apologies from James.

'Great.' said James, but Lily detected a hint of sarcasm.

'You seem kinda down. Are you ok, James?'

'Having a strong sense of dejavu here.'

'When......oh, right. Then. Yeah.' James nodded, but said nothing. 'Well?'

'Well what?'

'Are you ok?'

'Fine.'

'You sure?'

'How could I not be? Against all odds, ALL odds, me, _James Potter_, got made _Head Boy_.'

'Yeah.' Lily agreed. James looked at her.

'And...and _you_...Head Girl! Well done. Your parents must be pleased?' he said, turning the last statement into a question.

'Yeah! Yeah, they're thrilled.'

'Good for you.' he said, a touch of bitterness in his voice, looking back out the window.

'Have a good summer?' asked Lily. James snapped his head back round and surveyed Lily for some time. 'What?' asked Lily. James shook his head.

'Nothing. It was fine.' he said.

'What did you do?' she asked. James stared at her again.

'Nothing much.' he said finally.

'No? The famous four not get up to much?'

'Not really.'

'I find that hard to believe.' said Lily, a teasing tinge to her voice she had never heard before. James looked down at his hands.

'Yeah, well,' he said slowly, 'I wasn't out and about much these holidays.'

'Oh? How come?'

'Bit...sick. Caught something at the end of last term.' he said slowly, clearly contemplating his answer.

'Oh, poor you.' asked Lily, her suspicion about the truthfulness of the statement disappearing as her mind reeled. Was she being _sympathetic_ to _James Potter?_

'Yeah.' said James shortly. 'So, how were your holidays?'

'Oh, they were pretty good. Did a bit of celebrating, you know, caught up with a few of my other friends, my muggle friends.' she added, for the benefit of a pure blood like him. James nodded his head slowly.

'Sound nice.' he said.

'It was.' There was an awkward silence. It didn't seem like James was going to introduce a new topic.

'What kind of illness did you have?' she inquired. 'Because you know, there are simple spells to clear up common bugs like a cold or the flu.' James snorted.

'Gee, I never knew.' he said sarcastically.

'Well, you might not have!' Lily protested.

'Just because I don't study, doesn't mean I don't know.'

'Ha ha.' she said, and he fell silent again.

'What was it then?' she persisted.

'You don't want to know.'

Lily screwed up her face. 'Was it something disgusting?'

'Um, yeah.'

'Liar. I can always tell when you lie, James.'

'Go you.'

'Was it something...infectious?'

'If it was, I wouldn't be sitting here risking the health of a beautiful woman.' Lily blushed, checked herself, and shook her head.

'You're not going to put me off. What was it?'

'Why do you want to know so much?'

'Because you're being mysterious, and I'm interested to know why!' she said.

'Leave it, ok?' said James, with a sigh, but he didn't sound _that_ annoyed.

'Come _on_. Please? We're going to be working in very close proximity this year, even living in very close proximity, we have to learn to trust each other!'

'You want to know?' he asked, in a slightly bitter voice.

'Yes.' she said quietly.

'You really want to know?'

'I really do.' she said. He looked straight into her eyes, his pools of hazel drowning her in a sea of love that was bittersweet.

'You don't. You _don't_, and you never will. You and your...your...' but his voice was interrupted by a loud sob, and his shaking fist was occupied with hastily wiping the tears that came streaming down his cheeks.

Lily came and sat next to him, and brought his head to her shoulder, and wrapped her arms around his back, making quiet, sympathetic noises. His sobs racked through his body and she felt him shaking, and she stroked the back of his head. She watched the lightening crashing through the sky outside, and she thought about James Potter, that complete idiot who was so arrogant he acted like no one could touch him, who was now sobbing in her arms, sinking beneath the lowest low. James Potter, who she had once hated so much, who she was now holding in her arms. James Potter, who had been made Head Boy.

But mostly she thought about the Head Boy, who was nothing, _nothing _like James Potter.


	13. Etiquette

Remus stumbled out of the Hogwarts express into the pouring rain, Sirius close on his heels. They stood back from the masses of students pouring out of the vehicle, the smarter of whom had cast water-repellent spells on themselves, trying to catch a glimpse of James. However, their search was to no avail, and they were forced to get on a horseless coach a mere three, after meeting up with Peter.

'Where's James?' asked Peter, once they were all safe and dry, on their way to the enormous school.

Sirius snorted. 'With Lily.' he said. 'They sat in a compartment together. Alone.' he said, wiggling his eyebrows. Remus sighed, but Peter looked shocked.

'What? But she hates him!' he said.

Sirius nodded. 'I know, but-'

'Oh, cut the crap, Sirius. James got made Head Boy.' said Remus to Peter. Peter was more shocked than before.

'WHAT?'

'I know, aye? Slightly surprising...' said Sirius. Peter's face had broken into a grin.

'That's brilliant!' he said. Remus cocked his head.

'For James?' Peter shook his head.

'Well, I guess, I mean, yeah, go James, but now we won't have some snotty, annoying Head Boy on our tails, trailing us round, putting us on detentions whenever he gets a chance, cos the Head Boy will be one of us! He can even overrule prefects!'

A look of dawning comprehension came upon Sirius' face, and his mischievous grin shone with a different light, like all of his dreams had come true.

'You know, I think that's the smartest thing you've ever said, Peter.' said Sirius, distantly. 'This year is going to be the _best ever_!'

Sirius sat down hastily, eyeing the huge array of food hungrily, later that evening. Though he had practically stuffed himself earlier on the train, he was always in the mood for another meal. Or three. Same difference.

Remus eyed Sirius with distaste, as he piled on as much food as would fit on his plate.

'You disgust me.' Remus said quietly, a slightly confused look on his face.

'Fanks,' said Sirius, his mouth full of food, 'Buh oo uv i', o, huh?' he said, grinning, saliva covered pieces of food dribbling out his mouth. Remus turned to Peter, and Sirius continued chortling.

'Wonder where James is?' mused Remus, scanning the hall. Peter muttered something, which couldn't be heard under the sea of food. 'Finish what you're eating and say that again.'

'I said,' said Peter, after an enormous swallow, 'He's just there.' he pointed to the entrance of the hall. Remus looked over, and saw James talking to Lily.

'Oh my God, he's talking to Lily. Oh my God, she's talking _back_!' exclaimed Sirius.

'Yeah. Pass the rolls.' said Peter, but Remus continued to stare. He watched as they talked quietly to each other. James gave a sniff; _must have a cold or something_, thought Remus. However, Lily's eyes softened and she put he hand on James' cheek and stroked it.

'Did you see that?' Remus practically whispered. Sirius was engrossed, watching them like a soap opera. James took Lily's hand away, gave it a squeeze, said something to her, turned around and starting walking towards them. He stopped about two paces away from them.

'What is this, a freak show? Why are you all staring at me?' he asked.

Remus gaped. 'You were talking to Lily.'

James smiled. 'I know.'

Sirius laughed. 'Just talking?'

Peter choked. 'Sorry.' he muttered. The others ignored him.

'Yeah.' said James, 'We had a pretty good chat on the train.'

'Why was she stroking your cheek?' asked Remus.

'What is this, an interrogation?' asked James, though good-naturedly. Remus could see a little smile on his face and the red tinge to his cheeks. He peered closer, and he also noticed James' eyes were rather puffy.

'Have you been crying, James?' he asked.

'Of course not, Remus.' said James, not quite meeting Remus' eyes.

'Why would he have been crying?' asked Sirius, still smiling. '_Upset_ that Lily was stroking his cheek?' Remus shook his head.

'No.' he said. James sighed.

'Well, I better get going.'

'_What_?' chorused his friends.

'I've got to introduce myself to all the prefects, tell them their duties and stuff like that. I'm also on patrol tonight.' Remus snorted.

'How are you supposed to tell the prefects their duties, if you don't know what they are?'

James gave Remus a rather cold stare. 'I think I'll manage.' he said.

'I was joking, James.' Remus muttered quietly. James looked at him indifferently.

'I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then.' he said.

'Where are you planning on going tonight?' asked Sirius, confused. James sighed.

'I don't sleep in your dormitory anymore.' he said. Sirius gasped.

'You've been _moved_? What did you do?'

'He was made Head Boy, you idiot.' said Remus. 'They've got their own dormitory and common room now.'

'Who's "they"?'

'Him and Lily, you prat.' said Remus. Sirius looked up at James.

'You guys got your own dormitory?' he asked, amazed. James nodded.

'Yeah.' he said. 'It'll be hard organising, you know, for full moon.' Sirius shook his head.

'Who cares?' he said. Remus stared at him. 'No offence, Remy, but James is definitely going to be getting some action this year!' James rolled his eyes.

'I'll see you in class tomorrow.' he said, and walked off. Remus turned to Sirius.

'Who cares?' he asked quietly, privately furious. Sirius' face softened.

'I was just trying to cheer him up, Remy. You know nothing else is more important to me than being with you at full moon.' Remus snorted.

'Nothing?' he questioned. Sirius nodded.

'Nothing.' he said, softly. Against his will, Remus felt his face burning, and he turned back to his dinner, and began trying to set an example of what was an appropriate way to eat one's food.


	14. Revelations

Later on in the common room, Remus, Sirius and Peter's game of exploding snap was interrupted by a soft cough. Remus turned around.

'What are you doing here?' he asked the young red haired woman. 'Aren't you supposed to be on patrol?'

'We alternate nights.' said Lily, sitting down on an armchair.

'Well, aren't you supposed to be in your own common room?'

'It's a bit lonely.' said Lily. She shook her head. 'Anyway, I just came to talk to you about James.' she said. A smile appeared on Sirius' face.

'Oh, yeah. What did you want to say about "James"?'

'What happened to him at the end of last term, and over the holidays. And why he was crying today on the train.' said Lily, ignoring Sirius' teasing.

'Did he say something about what happened?' asked Remus, suspiciously.

'Well, yeah.' said Lily. 'He told me. But not all the details.' Sirius choked.

'Not...not all the _details_?' he said.

'No. And I just wanted to know them.' said Lily, matter-of-factly. Remus stared at her.

'I can't believe he told you.'

'Why?' asked Lily. The others didn't reply. 'Well, I just wanted to know the details.'

'Why?' Remus asked. Lily shrugged.

'We'll be living in pretty close proximity. I thought it'd be good for me to know.'

Sirius shook his head. 'Why do you want to know _details_? Do you...even care about _James_?'

'It wasn't that big a deal...was it?' Sirius stood up quickly, a furious look on his face. He pointed a shaking finger at Lily.

'IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF IS A VERY BIG DEAL-'

'Hang on, _what_?' Lily interrupted Sirius' roars. 'He...he tried to _kill_ himself?'

Sirius blinked. 'You...you didn't know?' Lily stared at him, dumbfounded, and shook her head.

'No......._no...._...he just told me...he was _sick_.......I wanted to know.......what he _had_...' Lily said. Sirius gulped, and sat down quickly, breathing heavily. Remus gave a small smile.

'Gotcha.' he said. Lily stared at him. She looked angrily to Sirius, expecting him to burst out into laughter. However, he just stared at Remus. Finally, he seemed to have cottoned on, and he looked back at Lily, a very forced smile upon his face.

'Joking...just joking.' he said. Lily stared at him, then shook her head.

'No, you weren't. You...you _weren't_.......oh my God...' Lily said, holding a shaking hand up to her mouth. Her face was contorted with confusion and slow comprehension; fear and compassion.

'Yes, we were.' said Remus firmly, his smile gone.

'So...so _that's_ why he missed those final classes...why he didn't play the Quidditch final...why he's so..._different_...why he was crying...why...' she broke off, looking horrified. A tear fell down her cheek.

'I thought you hated him.' said Sirius, bitterly. Lily slowly shook her head.

'_Why_?' she asked, and they knew it wasn't Sirius' judgement she was questioning. Sirius and Remus exchanged glances.

Flashback 

_Sirius and Remus sat on either sides of the bed, tension and exhaustion clear in both their bodies. They had, clasped in their hands, James' hands. It felt almost natural to them now; they had hardly left his side. They had been there almost two whole days. Professor McGonagall had given them special permission to miss classes, though they hardly noticed the privilege. They hardly noticed time slipping away. _

_They looked into each other's eyes, seeing the same fear and worry mirrored in each other's faces. They looked down at James. His black hair was matted, and drenched in sweat, plastered down on his marble white face. His lips were purple, and cut. His brow was furrowed, and his eyelids were batting like crazy- terrible, terrible dreams. His frail body writhed in his bed, his ivy veins clearly visible beneath his pearly skin. He had lost a lot of weight; he was but a shadow of his former self._

_Sirius looked back up at Remus, who had his head in his hand, crying softly. Sirius watched his pearly tears cascade down his pale cheeks. He sighed, and looked back down at James, and saw he was crying, again, too. Many times he had cried, and each time Sirius and Remus had waited eagerly, hoping it was a sign he would awaken, but each time they were disappointed. James was still in his nightmares._

_Sirius sighed, and reached down, stroking James' tear stained face. Suddenly, James' bloodshot eyes flung open wide. Sirius' breath caught in his throat._

'_James.' he whispered, and felt tears welling in his eyes. James closed his eyes, and opened them slowly, a hollow, anguished, sickened look upon them. He stared around the room, looking straight through his friends, oblivious to their hoarse cries of joy. He looked beside his bed, and saw a vase of flowers – white lilies. _

'_Lilies...' he muttered, sounding revolted. He clenched his teeth and knocked the vase down with as much force as he could muster, the vase crashing and splitting into a million pieces upon hitting the floor. James looked down at himself, the deepest look of disgust upon his face. He suddenly began to gag, and, as a final tear fell down his cheek, he vomited the feeble remains left in his stomach all over himself. He threw his head back upon his pillow and began to cry softly, his sobs racking his feeble body. He began to mutter, incomprehensibly. _

'_Shhh...' said Sirius softly, stroking James' hand. James flung him away. As Sirius picked himself up off the ground, he found James' begs to die not as hard to understand. He also noticed the cuts along James' arms were of a pattern. A very pretty flower stared at him across the room, a very familiar name carved underneath._

_End of Flashback_

Sirius ran his hand unconsciously through his hair, and shrugged slowly.

'We're not sure.' he said, his eyes never leaving Remus'.

'You are his friends, aren't you? Surely you must have _some _idea?' Lily cried. Sirius looked up at Lily, nervously, urging his brain to think.

'Well...' said Sirius, mouthing wordlessly, unable to think of anything to say.

'We think we know.' said Remus, slowly, not meeting Lily's eyes. Lily looked confused, then her eyes opened wide.

'It wasn't...it wasn't _me_, was it?' she asked, horrified.

'Of course not, why would it be, guilty conscience?' snapped Sirius. Lily stared at him.

'I think what Sirius meant to say was that it wasn't you, there's no need to worry.'

'Not that there's anything to worry about, of course, because it's all a joke.' said Peter quietly behind them. The others ignored him.

'I mean he did..._does_...think about you a _lot_-' began Remus.

'Every fuckin second of the day.' Sirius muttered, interrupting.

'But we don't think you caused him to...well, to do what he did.' said Remus, lying through his teeth. Lily stayed silent.

'So you can see why I got...upset when you demanded details of something that "wasn't a big deal."' said Sirius finally. Lily nodded.

'Listen, Lily,' said Remus, leaning forward, giving Lily a piercing look, 'You mustn't speak to anyone about this.'

'Not even James.' put in Sirius.

'Especially not James.' Remus agreed. Lily nodded fervently.

'Of...of course not.' she stammered. 'Why would I?'

'I don't know...revenge for all those times he admitted his feelings for you?' said Sirius. Lily stared at him., and another tear fell down her cheek.

'Why,' she choked, 'Would I want revenge for...' but she trailed off. 'I didn't hate him because he had a...a...a crush on me.' she whispered. Sirius laughed bitterly.

'A crush?' he said mockingly. 'A _crush_?'

'Calm down, Sirius.' said Remus, but Sirius shook his head.

'No. _No_. I will _not_ calm down. No wonder he tried to fuckin..._commit suicide..._the girl of his dreams, the _love_ of his _life_, the _blood_ in his very _veins_ thinks it's just a crush! My fucking _arse_ it's just a crush! Why can't _anyone_ see true love these days, even if it's staring at them right in the _face_! JESUS!' he bellowed, and, casting a swift look at Remus, stormed away.

Remus stared after him, baffled by his strange behaviour.

'What was _that_ all about?'

'He didn't love me.' Lily whispered, ignoring Remus' comment and staring straight at him. He sighed. 'Did he?' Remus looked back at Lily.

'He liked you quite a bit.' he said quietly. _More than life itself_, he added to himself.

'Does Sirius...do you?' Lily quivered.

'What, love you?'

'_No_. Think that..._I_ was the reason...' but she trailed off.

Remus took Lily's hand. 'No.' he said, firmly. He didn't need another emotionally unstable Head. 'No, I don't. James was going through a bit of a rough patch, but,' he added, looking at Lily avidly, enunciating his words particularly carefully, 'He's fine now. Don't act any differently around him, don't be afraid of him. He's still the same old James in there.'

Lily sighed, and nodded. 'I just, still can't believe...' she trailed off, looking slightly lost. Remus nodded softly.

'We were all a bit stunned. But he's fine now.' Lily looked confused.

'Why...why was he crying on the train then?'

'He was crying?' asked Remus, alert.

'Yeah. He just...broke down, on my shoulder.' said Lily. Remus brought a quivering hand up to his eyes and rubbed them harshly.

'I'm not sure. I suppose...things like that, emotions, feelings that he must have had...they don't just go away over night. He's probably still dealing with...' he stopped, seemingly fishing for a word, 'Conflicts,' he decided, 'Within his...head.'

Lily nodded, and then reluctantly, almost ashamedly, yawned. Remus sighed.

'You must be tired. Go to bed, get some sleep. Don't read too much into it...him.'

Lily laughed softly. 'I wasn't planning on it.'

Remus scrutinized Lily carefully. 'No. I don't suppose you were.'


	15. Demons

Two months since the start of term, James slipped out slowly from the building, making sure not to make a sound. Not only did he not want to alert any teachers that might be on the prowl, he did not want to awaken any fouls beasts that might be lurking in the shadows.

_Like my mind._

James shook himself. He was _not_ to be thinking thoughts like that. Bad thoughts. Unhappy thoughts. Big, dark, evil thoughts that would creep up on him like a big, black cloud, looming up behind him if ever he chanced to look, striking bolts of lightening through his already shattered life-

_No_, he thought angrily_. I can't think like that anymore. I'm a happy man_. He shook his head again, clenched up his face and transformed into his stag form.

Almost immediately, a sense of clarity came floating through his mind, and all his fears, worries, anxieties...all his thoughts, his _human_ thoughts, went floating out of reach. Like how he was slipping behind in classes. Like how he was flying badly. Like how Peter looked a wreck, a very suspicious wreck. Like how Lily seemed not to hate him anymore. Like how Sirius and Remus were acting round each other. Like how Dumbledore had announced they were planning on having a school dance, to liven up everyone's spirits in the dreary winter, and James didn't want to go, didn't want to go near people entwined up in love, and alcohol, and rhythm, but he knew he'd have to go, to supervise, to place limitations on people's fun, to be the dominating spoiler he had always detested, to be the guy in the corner, with no one to hold, to be dreaming, thinking, aching...

These thoughts were gone. Out of reach. They had been replaced with practical thoughts. _The air smells fresh tonight. There has been a kill in the forest; there is blood. The grass is cold. There is something in the tree. I am thirsty. The lake is close._

That's how James spent a lot of his time, living for the moment. But as soon as he was forced to change back, the terrifying prospect of _tomorrow_, and after that; his whole future, came hurtling towards him at a terrifying speed, until it screeched to a stop, inches away, just out of his reach, and if he could only stretch a little...sometimes he thought it was too far.

That night, last summer, it was.

James could still remember the thoughts running through his mind. He could still remember the icy cold feeling that felt like it was pulsing through his veins, _I want to die, I want to die_. He could still remember the incomprehensible pain as the blade pierced his flesh, but also the bittersweet thought that it would all be over soon.

He could still remember. Time doesn't heal all wounds, especially not emotional ones.

So he ran. He ran from the memories. Sometimes they would chase him, but as a stag, he was much, much faster.

'Hello.' whispered a soft voice in the distance, breaking his train of thought. He turned around and saw Lily, sitting by the lake. James sucked in a breath, and, on impulse, opened his mouth to reply, but remembered he was a stag, and closed it again.

'What are you doing here? I didn't think there were stags in the forest. I hope nothing hurts you.' she whispered, holding out her hand. James walked forward and nuzzled it. 'Nice animal, aren't you? Free animal. No worries or troubles...' Lily trailed off, and James noticed she was crying. He licked her hand gently, and she let out a small laugh, which was consumed by a sob. 'You know, you're probably the only one around here who understands me.' James looked at her in the eye and sat himself down, close to her. Lily made a small noise in the back of her throat.

'Tame, aren't you?' she said, and cooed softly at him. 'Settling down, huh? Want to hear my life story?'

James' heart missed a beat. Even in his simple animal state his human mind wanted nothing more than to know Lily's life story.

'You probably don't. No one does. No one cares about me at all.' she said bitterly.

James leant forward and licked her hand again. _I care_. Lily shook her head.

'My friends don't understand me. My peers judge me. My teachers' expectations are too high. My parents know nothing about me. No guys like me.' she said, putting her head in her hands. Suddenly, she gave a small laugh.

'Cept Potter.' she mumbled, then sighed. 'Except bloody James.' she said, and laughed louder. James' heart was starting to race, and his stomach had gone cold. 'Good old emotionally unstable Potter.' she said, and James looked up, startled. 'He tried to kill himself, did you know?' she said, smiling an unamused smile. James stood up quickly. Lily's face fell. 'What is it? Do you hear something?'

But James had long left her startled face. He ran, faster than he ever had. Ran away from the thoughts. Ran from the girl of his dreams, musing bitterly about him. Ran from everything that drove him insane.

But the thoughts were too fast. They clawed at his tail, latched onto his legs, made their way along his back until they reached his head, and clawed their way in.

He fell to the ground, defeated, as the thoughts scraped and scratched and penetrated his mind's defences, and settled somewhere in the core.

He lay there, in the wet, dewy grass, late one November night, conquered by his demons.


	16. Modesty

Remus heard footsteps, and he looked up from his book to see Sirius walking towards him, looking slightly ill.

'You ok, Sirius?' asked Remus.

'Bumped into Lily. She said she can't find James anywhere.' he said, gravely.

'Oh,' said Remus softly. 'Bunking duties, huh?'

Sirius nodded. 'She said she's going to go and look for him.'

'Alone?'

'Yeah. She'll be fine.'

'She's not going to go out of the castle, is she?'

'How should I know?'

Remus sighed 'I don't know.' He said, and returned to his book.

Sirius strode over and threw himself on the couch beside Remus, and stared at Peter, who was lying on the floor fast asleep, contemptuously, and snorted.

'Wonder what it's like to be gay.' said Sirius. Remus lifted his eyes up carefully.

'Pardon?'

'I said, wonder what it's like being gay.'

'Do you?' asked Remus, quietly.

'Not, like _wonder _wonder. Just...wonder. Stupid faggot.' He said, gesturing to Peter and sniggering. Remus sighed, and looked down at his book, his eyebrows creasing his weary face.

'I doubt Peter is a "faggot", as you so tactfully put it.' he said, quietly. 'And you shouldn't use "homosexual" as a derogatory term, Sirius.' he added.

'Why?'

'I hate prejudice for no reason, Sirius. I know a lot about it, and believe me, I hate it.'

'What, are you gay?' Sirius asked mockingly. Remus sighed.

'I'm a werewolf.'

'Yes, I know that.' said Sirius. Remus looked back down at his book, but he had read the same line over and over again and he was just about to give up any attempt of reading at all. He knew any other activities were done in vain when Sirius was around.

'You didn't answer my question.' said Sirius softly, watching Remus carefully.

'Hm?'

'You didn't answer me.'

'What did you ask?'

'I asked if you were gay.'

'Why would you ask that?'

'Why shouldn't I?' said Sirius, almost defensively.

'I never said you shouldn't, Sirius. I just wondered what prompted you to ask that question.'

'Nothing "prompted" me. I was just wondering. And, seeing as you're acting awfully strange and carefully not denying it, I've come to the conclusion that you are.' Sirius said, almost scathingly. Remus sighed deeply.

'There's no reason for me to contemplate my sexuality, because no one wants to go out with a werewolf anyway.' he said, softly, a hint of bitterness in his voice.

Sirius was torn between two replies. "Of course people want to go out with you! Just because you're a werewolf doesn't mean you're not a great person!" and "You have to contemplate your sexuality?!"

'Contemplate?' he muttered, eventually.

'It means to think.'

'I know what it means!' he said, exasperated, his voice hanging heavily in the air. 'I just...' he started off more softly, but wasn't sure how to end the sentence.

'Wanted to know if I liked boys?' said Remus, finishing his sentence for him. Sirius's throat had gone dry, and all he could manage was a small nod. Remus sighed.

'I don't know.' Sirius would have choked if he could have. 'Not I don't know because I have feelings for boys and I am confused,' added Remus, catching the look on Sirius's face, 'But I don't know because in my life I have no time for things like love. My sexuality is...nothing.' He said, looking down at his feet.

Sirius's eyed softened, his heart melted.

'When you walk into a room, Remus, a dozen eyes lift, and move with your body as you walk slowly across to the other side.' he said. Sirius saw a rise of colour on Remus's neck.

'Are you sure that's not because you're beside me?' he asked quietly, daring to look up into Sirius's dark grey eyes. Sirius's heart missed a beat.

'Your modesty is what makes you appealing, Moony.' he said softly.

'It's not modesty, it's truthfulness. Like James's idiocy isn't confidence, it's arrogance.' he said. Sirius laughed softly, and Remus suddenly noticed he was a lot closer than he had thought him to be.

Suddenly, Remus's attentions were brought down to Sirius's lips, which were looking pink and moist, and were, strangely, moving closer by the second. Sirius lifted his hand up and placed it on Remus's cheek, and a million thoughts were running through Remus's head, his heart was beating fast, and he had no idea what was happening, what was going to happen, or if he would let it.

'Yeah, James is an arrogant bugger, huh.' muttered a voice below them, and Remus quickly snapped his head round to see Peter stirring on the ground. Sirius's hand was gone in an instant. Remus gave Peter a small smile.

'Yeah.' Remus murmured.

'He has good reason, though.' mumbled Peter, his eyes still shut.

'Sometimes.' said Remus, not daring to look at Sirius, who he heard sniggering softly.

'Acquired a little crush, have we?' he heard Sirius's voice ask teasingly. Remus was amazed at how fast Sirius could...well, change mood.

'Good...with the Snitch...' Peter mumbled, and then turned over and went back to sleep. Sirius snorted.

'Not sure he's talking about Quidditch.' he muttered. Remus turned and stared at Sirius, who stopped laughing abruptly.

'James is straight.' said Remus, staring at Sirius straight in the eyes, a whole new world of sickening possibilities sneaking its ugly head into Remus's mind.

'Unless Lily is a man.' he said. Remus laughed.

'Yeah.'

'And...well, I don't think she is.'

'No.' agreed Remus, whereupon an uncomfortable silence fell upon them.

'So......?' asked Sirius, and Remus was tempted to say "So what?", but he knew what Sirius meant. He sighed, and opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again, an idea flashing in his head.

'What do you think?' he asked, curious to see Sirius's reaction. Sirius eyed him carefully, and let out a long breath.

'I think you could be persuaded.' he said softly.

'Persuaded to-' but he was cut off as Sirius's lips were suddenly upon his, the gap between their bodies was closed, their fingers entwined, their panting apparent...and a wave of desire came crashing over Remus, he almost drowned.

Almost.


	17. Just Perfect

Lily lay in the bath, covered up to her chin in pink, fluffy bubbles. She sighed deeply, taking in the luscious strawberry aroma now drifting around the room.

When the stag had cantered off, Lily had stood up abruptly, afraid that the stag had heard something coming towards them, and rushed off to the safety of the Hogwarts castle.

She knew she shouldn't have been out there anyway. By herself, outside, in the dark...who knows what could have happened to her? But she just needed to get out of the heat, the people, the warmth...she needed to do some serious thinking, to cleanse her mind, and if she stayed in her state of luxury there was no way she could get that done.

But here she was, smack bang in the middle of all the luxury again. She sighed and wiggled her toes half-contentedly. Her musings had been cut short, right in the middle of the thing that had been bothering her the most.

James.

When she had been around the library, asking some of the younger students if they had seen him, a group of girls giggled, and said

'He's that sexy one...tall, dark and handsome?'

Lily had replied, without thinking, 'No, that's Sirius.'

The girls giggled again. 'We know who _Sirius_ is! No, we know who _James_ is. Brilliant at quidditch-'

'Perfect in school-'

'Charming to the ladies-'

'Good with kids-'

'Half jock, half nerd-'

'Gorgeously handsome-'

'Head boy to boot!'

And then they had all sighed, and chanted 'James Potter, whose initials are J P, which stands for _just perfect_!'

Lily had walked away, more than slightly rattled. Gorgeously handsome? Charming to the ladies? These kids had some seriously distorted facts...

Lily had laughed at that, but as she lay there, warm and relaxed, she began to think about what the kids had said.

_Brilliant at quidditch...well, you can't deny that. He's the best player Hogwarts has seen in years. But how he boasts! Well, no so much anymore..._

_Perfect in school...yes, he does get brilliant marks, but that's just pure luck, he doesn't study one bit! Well, he didn't used to..._

_Charming to the ladies...James has had his fair share of girlfriends, and some girls get more than a tad embarrassed when he comes near them...but what a flirt! Well, not so much anymore..._

_Good with kids...yeah, I suppose kids do seem to flock to him...he's a great teacher, he'd make a great father one day...oh dear, did I just think that?_

_Half jock, half nerd...Quidditch Captain with glasses!_

_Head boy to boot!...well, yes, he did get made head boy, but I do wonder sometimes if he deserved it..._

_And what was he other one? Ah yes! Gorgeously handsome...have these kids seen the guy? Well, yes, I suppose he does have quite a charming smile, and his hazel eyes are rather beautiful...his features are arranged quite nicely, and he does have a very nice body...overall when he looks at you across the hall, you get a few butterflies in your stomach, but..._

_Oh dear. Did I just think that?_

_But what about his foul pranks? Granted, they are quite funny..._

_Or his merciless bullying? I suppose Snape can be a tad provocative..._

_His showing off? He does have _a lot_ to show off..._

_Oh dear. Did I just think that?_


	18. Schizophrenic

James's eyes fluttered open, and with his consciousness came a searing pain. He groaned, and rolled over. Well, he tried. It's quite difficult for stags to roll over. James sighed, and morphed back into his human form, and stood up slowly.

_She knows_, he thought to himself. _She knows I'm weak. Emotionally unstable._

_Weak? _he answered himself. _I hardly think she thinks you're weak._

_She thinks I'm emotionally unstable. She said it herself. She hated me._

_I hardly think she hates you._

_Dislikes, then._

_She doesn't dislike you. She likes you now. She likes you a lot. Can't you see it in her eyes? She's been wonderfully nice lately._

_She's just being nice because she knows I tried to kill myself!_

_Don't deny what you've been wanting for so long!_

_She's just being polite! Don't give me false hope!_

_But it's not false, this time._

James shook his head, trying to tell himself that having conversations in his head was not normal. Especially not _arguing_ with himself.

_She doesn't like me, and she thinks I'm emotionally unstable, _he thought frantically.

_Go and prove to her she's wrong, then, _his mind shot back. He started.

_How?_

_The emotionally unstable James would stay out here all night, fretting over his worries. The strong James would go back to the Head Boy and Girl common room, sit down with the love of his life, and prove to her that he's the love of _her_ life._

_But I'm not._

_Aren't we bashful? What, are you scared of making all your dreams comes true?_

_Of course not!_

_Then what are you waiting for? Get up, and go back!_

And with that thought in his head, James set off towards the castle, striding purposefully, though his mind was still bickering.

As he slipped into the castle, he was extra careful to be quiet. House elves didn't have those enormously big ears just to amuse their masters, they could hear extremely well. The last thing James wanted to be doing was explaining to Dumbledore what he was doing outside in the middle of the night, especially after he'd just bunked his Head Boy duties.

He also didn't want to be caught by any teachers, who might be taking a midnight stroll. He moved noiselessly through the corridors, tiptoeing past the snoring portraits, his heart skipping.

_Tonight's the night, tonight's the night..._

Suddenly James heard footsteps coming towards him, and he ducked behind a suit of armour, but it was too late.

'What are you doing, Potter?' drawled a low voice. James sighed, and walked out slowly.

'I could ask you the same question, Severus.' he said, cursing fate. Did he have to meet Snape right here, right now?

'I don't remember being on first name terms with you, Potter.' Snape spat.

'Maybe all those potions have addled your brain.' Snape whipped out his wand, pointing it straight at James's face, and James eyed it wearily, cursing himself for leaving his wand carelessly sitting on his bed.

'Give me a reason, and I swear I will.' Snape whispered.

'Threatening the Head Boy is grounds for expulsion.' James said quietly.

'Revenge is far too sweet to worry about things as trivial as expulsion, Potter.' James heart beat a little faster, anxiety pumping through his veins. _He wouldn't...would he?_

'What are you doing out?' asked James, deciding his best tactic was to keep talking, to distract Snape.

'Oh, how very Gryffindorish. Maybe, if I keep talking, I'll distract him! How pathetic, Potter.' A small smile crept across Snape's face. 'I have you right where I want you now, Potter, and down here, no one can hear you scream.'

James stared at the tip of Snape's wand, and then shook his head, smiling soflty.

'What's so funny?' spat Snape.

'Why weren't you down by the lake last year?' James muttered softly. 'It would have been so much easier.'

'What are you mumbling on about? Don't think I won't do it, Potter.' said Snape, staring at James, hatred distorting his face, and a thought crossed James's mind. _Maybe it is fate_, he thought. _I set out to capture Lily's heart, and am instead caught by my enemy, defenceless._

James sighed. 'Go on, then. Do it.' he said, staring straight at Snape, who eyed him suspiciously, and scanned James's body. 'I haven't got any hidden traps or pranks! I'm completely defenceless! Finish me off, Snape, you know you want to!' James found himself shouting. 'You'll finally have what you want! Once and for all! Your world will be perfect! Better one happy life that two fucked up ones, isn't it? Use your fantastic logic, work it out!' he roared at Snape, who stumbled backward, staring at James.

'You're...you're trying to scare me.' he muttered.

'No, I'm not! I _want_ you to kill me!' James shouted.

'Re-reverse psychology won't work on m-me, Potter.' Snape seethed.

'If it were reverse psychology, wouldn't I be down on my knees begging?' James threw at him. Snape shook his head.

'You're trying to confuse me.' he said, furiously.

'I thought I was being _perfectly_ clear!' James yelled. Snape's jaw tightened, and he took a step towards James.

'Why on earth would _you_ want to die, Potter? I doubt you have any idea what real pain is!' he hissed.

James narrowed his eyes. 'Try me.' he said. Snape stared at him, his hand clasped so tightly around his wand it was white, his knuckles turning slowly red, but didn't say anything. James slipped his hand into his pocket, and Snape flinched, and backed away a step, but James only brought out a small pen knife. Snape snorted,

'Think that can match a wand? Well, I always knew you were stupid.' he spat. James, however, said nothing in reply, but lifted up the sleeve of his robe to reveal his marble white flesh. Snape's eyed followed James's other hand, which was slowly bringing the knife towards his flesh. Snape could not tear his eyes away as the knife carved into his skin, droplets of thick blood oozing out. Reluctantly he watched the whole thing, the only sound the slicing of flesh, the odd droplet of blood splashing on the cold stone floor.

When he had finished, James dropped the knife with a sudden clang. He stuck his arm in front of Snape's face.

'This is not pain.' Snape read, and looked back at James, who brought his fingers to his eyes, pointing straight at them, making sure they were locked with Snape's.

'This is.' he whispered, staring straight into Snape's eyes. Snape mouthed wordlessly; a silent confirmation of James's ability to live through this. 'Go back to bed, Snape.' he said in a low voice.

'Did-didn't that hurt, Potter?' Snape growled, ignoring James's command.

'Everybody hurts sometimes, Snape.' James said quietly. He turned around, and walked away.

He could feel Snape's eyes on his back, boring into them, a gaze of fire, but he didn't care. As soon as he disappeared around the corner, out of Snape's sight and hearing, he let out a gasp he had been holding for a long time, and stared down at his arm, cursing himself. If only he had his wand, he could clear it up easily. Now he was going to have to make it past Lily, bleeding like an idiot, before he could do anything.

Lily. What was she going to say? _Perhaps, by now, she might be in bed, _James thought, hopefully. He staggered back to the bland portrait, muttered the password, and stumbled into the common room.

'Hey James.' muttered a sleepy Lily, who was lying on the couch by the fire, in her pyjamas. 'Where have you been? I haven't seen you all evening.' she muttered, giving a small smile. James frowned, and was about to remind her that she had, but stopped himself. _You weren't there, remember? _he reminded himself. His mind wasn't working properly. The majority of it was concentrating on the searing pain of his cut, which was staining his robes and shirt badly, and the minority was trying to figure out how to get past Lily to his room to get his wand without her noticing. There was also a little part telling not just his brain that Lily was sitting there in only her pyjamas.

'Nice pyjamas.' was all he managed to say, casting an eye on the smiling frogs dancing across pink cotton. Lily grinned.

'Thank you.' she mumbled.

'You look exhausted.' said James. _That's the only reason she's being nice_, he thought.

_No, it's not._

_That, and she thinks I'm unstable._

_That's not true!_

_Shut up._

_Why?_

_You can't talk to yourself in public!_

_Oh._

'I am a little tired. I just had a bath and it's made me all sleepy!' she said.

James kicked himself mentally, trying to get the idea of Lily in the bath out of his head, but it was hard. Her fiery hair splayed across the pink tiles, her eyes closed contentedly, her legs spread out gently, her body-

'What have _you_ been doing?' she asked, peering at James, frowning suddenly. 'Are you bleeding?' she asked, sharply. James shook his head.

'Of course not.' he mumbled. Lily stood up.

'You _are_.' she said.

'I'm not.' Lily strode over to James and swiped a finger across his robes. She peered at it, and turned it round and showed it to James.

'You are. Don't you know "Scourgify"?' she asked.

'Course I do. I just didn't have my wand.' Lily shook her head exasperatedly, and without warning, pulled James's robe up.

'Hey!' James protested, but Lily gasped.

'Shit!' she whispered, staring at James's arm. The words were no longer recognisable in the pool of blood. 'What the hell happened to you?'

'Was out in the forest.' James said quietly. Lily's eyes flicked up and lingered on his for a second, before looking away.

'Where's my damn wand?' she said, turning around and scanning the room, never letting go of James's hand. 'If only wands were like Muggle car keys, then you could clap and they'd beep, or light up or something,' she was muttering, but James wasn't listening, he was just staring at her, drinking in the sight of her.

'Sometimes what you do speaks so loud I cannot hear what you say.' James mumbled. Lily turned around.

'What?' she asked. James shook his head.

'Nothing.' he muttered.

'Under the couch, you reckon?' and she dropped down on her hands and knees, and began foraging under the couch, before sitting up, wand in hand, smiling like a Cheshire cat.

'Potter, you're amazing.' she said, before taking his arm and leading him to the couch, where he was promptly sat down. Lily began by casting a scourgify spell, and James felt much cleaner. His arm had started to feel quite disgusting. After that, Lily kept on going casting spells where different ointments and powders and stitches were placed upon his wounds. James knew, at least at some point, that she would have seen the words, but she didn't say anything. James wasn't looking at his arm, anyway. He was looking at Lily, her head bent down in concentration, her glorious hair falling gracefully across her face.

'You could be a Healer, you know.' he said softly. Lily snorted.

'I know I may have a higher intelligence that you, James, but I'm not _that_ smart.'

'Oh, I think you are.' he said quietly.

'I hardly think your opinion on intelligence is a valued one.' she said, but with a small smile on her face. James smiled, but then flinched; his arm suddenly hurt like hell. 'Just a sec,' muttered Lily. James gritted his teeth, but then suddenly his arm felt a lot better.

'Hey, that's great!' he said, smiling.

'That's what listening in class does for you.' said Lily, smiling.

'Maybe I should try it some time, huh?' he said. Lily nodded.

'Maybe.' she said softly, her glorious eyes staring into his. Lily took a deep breath. 'I didn't see you in the forest.' she said, quietly, her eyes sweeping his face. James knew she was holding her breath.

'I saw you.' James practically whispered. Lily stared at him, anxiously.

'You...you did?'

'Yes.' he said, and decided to take the plunge. 'And I heard you.'

Lily brought a hand up to her forehead, rubbing unconsciously. She said nothing.

'And I want you to know,' he went on, quieter than ever, 'That I'm not emotionally unstable.'

Lily nodded, unable to meet his eyes.

'I know exactly what I want in life.' he said. Lily nodded, and, biting her lip, looked at him.

'And what is that?' she asked.

'You.' he murmured. Lily felt herself blushing, and she looked down at her hands, which were clasped in James's.

'Not very ambitious.' she said quietly. James chuckled.

'I'm sure many would disagree. Anyway,' he said, smiling, 'I'm a Gryffindor. I can't be _ambitious_. That's a Slytherin trait. How despicable.'

Lily laughed, and James ran a delicate finger along her hand, causing Lily's breath to catch in her throat.

James's heart was beating like crazy. Here he was, sitting on the couch, mere centimetres away from the love of his life, whose hands were clasped in his.

_Kiss her, _his mind told him.

_I can't. She'll pull away!_

_How do you know? _

_I just know._

_A seer, are we?_

_No..._

_Then kiss her._

_No._

_Kiss her!_

_I can't!_

_KISS HER!_

James leant forward, and before he knew what he was doing, he had placed his lips softly on hers. His eyes flew open, sure that she was going to pull away, but her eyes were closed contentedly, and she deepened the kiss. James tentatively reached his hand up, and placed it softly on Lily's cheek, and she moaned a little, opening her mouth to allow James's tongue access.

James had never been more obliging in his life.


	19. Sirius & Man

'And,' added Dumbledore, a small twinkle in his eyes, 'I hope you all have a _wonderful_ time.' The crowd standing before him gave a small laugh, and clapped him down off the stage, whereupon the music began, the lights dimmed, and the decorations began to show off.

Sirius hadn't spoken to Remus properly for months. Since...well, since that night. _That_ night. At first he had thought it was just because Remus was embarrassed to talk about it, and so he had let it be for a time. Then, once when he had tried to engage Remus in a conversation about it, Remus had abruptly changed the topic. Time after time, Sirius had tried to reintroduce the subject, but each time Remus scuttled off, or started talking loudly about the weather, or pretended not to hear him...or all of the millions of other ways Remus had devised to distract Sirius. But Sirius couldn't be distracted tonight.

And he was angry. Angry because instead of enjoying this night, like many people had begun and were planning to do, he had to watch Remus jealously across the hall, as he fraternized politely with other students. Angry because he could have had a wonderful time with many of the girls who, giggling, came up to him and coyly asked him to dance, but he had to reject them because ever since that night, he had only eyes for Remus.

Angry because, as hard as he tried, he couldn't get Remus out of his mind. His fingerprints had been imprinted on Sirius's skin and in his memory, the insatiable greed for Remus's body against his would never go away, the feel of his lips on his would be forever engraved in his heart...

And angry because _he_ was _Sirius Black_, and Remus didn't want him.

Angry because on the night of the Ball of seventh year, several months before he was to be leaving Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, when he should have been having one of the best times of his life, he was miserable. Because of _Remus Lupin_.

'Hey, gorgeous.' Sirius heard a voice in his ear, and looked up, his eyes locking with a very pretty pair of dark eyes. They pulled back, and Sirius saw the eyes belonged to a very sexy young lady, wearing a very indecent red dress. 'I hear you've been rejecting every girl to cross your path. Holding out for a real woman, were we?'

Sirius sighed. 'A real man, more like.' he muttered.

'Pardon?' murmured the girl, smiling seducingly.

'Nothing.' mumbled Sirius.

'How's about a dance, then?' she whispered in a honey coated voice. Sirius sighed, and looked across the room at Remus, who looked straight through him, and looked away. Sirius stiffened, and stood up quickly.

'Why the hell not?' he said roughly, pulling the young girl onto the dance floor, where he immediately pulled her close to him, swaying his hips in time to the music, staring at Remus resolutely across the hall. Remus, however, paid no attention to him.

'What's your name, then?' he asked the rather star struck young lady, who was looking like Christmas had come early.

'Manendanchi.' she muttered, smiling.

'Huh?'

'Manendanchi.' she repeated, a little louder.

'Oh,' mumbled Sirius, still having no idea what to call her. 'Look,' he ended up saying, exasperatedly, 'Is it alright if I just call you Man?'

The girl frowned slightly. 'I'd prefer Manen.'

But the frown was soon replaced with a soppy grin. 'Sure. You can call me anything you want to, Siri.' Sirius's hands clenched when he heard Remus's pet name for him emitting from this stranger's mouth. 'Something wrong?' muttered Manen. Sirius shook his head jerkily, and continued dancing, but the whole time he was aware of where Remus was in the hall. He was distracted, and the girl could tell.

'Look, if you've got eyes for someone else, I'm fine with that. Well,' she added, looking slightly put out, 'Actually I'm not, but you could at least have the decency to tell me, and not string me along.'

Sirius sighed, and stepped away.

'Sorry. I guess I am a little distracted.'

'By whom?' Manen asked keenly. Sirius studied her for while. _Well, they'd certainly leave me alone_, he thought to himself.

'Remus Lupin.' he said, clearly. The girl looked shocked, and slightly disgusted.

'A _boy_? You're...you're _gay_?'

'As the day is long. I yearn for nothing more than to pound into another boys flesh, his

moans-'

'Ew, shut _up_! That's disgusting! Leave me _alone_!' Manen shouted, and stormed off to her friends, probably to tell them all about it.

Sirius sat down with a sigh, a small smile on his face, and went back to being a mere spectator to love.


	20. Don't Look

'Awwww, come on, Lily. You look gorgeous, why waste your looks sitting in a corner?' Amelia begged, trying to pull Lily up from her spot in the corner.

'I don't feel like dancing.' said Lily, flatly. She gazed across the dimly lit hall, telling herself she was doing anything but looking for James...but she knew she was lying. Ever since that kiss...Lily could still remember the feel of his lips on hers, the way his silky hair fell through her fingertips, the way his gently caressing hand stroked up and down her back...and the way he had pulled away, shook his head, got up abruptly and stormed off to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

_Did I disappoint him?_ Lily had thought frantically. _Did I do something wrong? Doesn't he like me anymore?_

Lily sat there pondering these thoughts, but as she looked up into her friend's desperate eyes, she relented.

'Alright,' she mumbled, 'I'll dance.' Amelia gave a whoop of joy and, despite the titters emitting from bystanders, hauled Lily up and led her to the dance floor.

'Now, look like you're having a really good time, and you couldn't care less if a guy asked you to dance. That way, we're sure to get some!' she hissed at Lily, and began dancing seductively in time to the musing, swaying her hips and wriggling suggestively.

Lily sighed. 'Do guys in your world have faces?' she muttered. Amelia stopped.

'I don't appreciate that.' she said, in a low voice. 'I know everyone thinks Malfoy's a Death Eater, but he's a great guy, once you get to-'

'_What_!' Lily hissed, wheeling round to stare at her friend. 'You're going out with _Malfoy_?'

Amelia stuck out her chin. 'So what if I am?'

Lily opened her mouth to retort, but then closed it hastily. There was no point getting into a fight now. They could discuss it later. Instead, she gave her friend a cheeky smile and said,

'But that means you won't be able to dance with anyone!'

Amelia looked relieved that Lily had avoided a fight, and then grinned cheekily herself.

'Like hell it does!' and she began to dance again, encouraging Lily to join her. Lily relented again, and began to dance. Amelia smiled at her, and Lily smiled back, though it was more of a grimace as Lily's teeth were clenched, and she was chanting to herself: _Don't look at James. Don't look at James._

o

o

o

'Oh, God, _look _at her.' James groaned, throwing himself on the chair beside Sirius. Sirius blinked, and shook his head.

'Who?' he said, vaguely.

'Lily, damn it. She's _beautiful_.' James had opted to speaking in a kind of groan. Sirius made a non-committal noise, and leaned back in his chair again. James shook his head, and cursed himself again, the millionth time in less than a second. Why, why did he have to pull away? Sure, he knew his reasoning behind it at the time, _She'll pull away and say it was all a big mistake, you wont be able to be friends after this, she's going to reject you, why not save yourself the pain, she's doing this to tease you, don't let yourself be fooled_...the list running through his mind went on and on, and he found that he couldn't take it anymore, and before he knew what he was doing, he was staring at his room, the door just having slammed closed behind him.

But now..._now..._he was faced with the prospect of sitting alone in a corner, staring at Lily all evening.

James sighed. Not exactly alone.

'Why aren't you out there shaking your groove thing, Sirius?' questioned James, turning to face his formerly lusty friend. Sirius shrugged.

'Dunno,' he said, 'Don't feel like dancing, I suppose.'

'Finally living up to the family tradition, huh?' smirked James. Sirius stared at James blankly. 'You know? Always pure?' pressed James. Sirius snorted.

'Yeah, I guess so.'

James sighed. This was going to be a long night.


	21. Of Dancing and Fighting

'Oh my God, have you heard?' asked Amelia, handing Lily her drink.

Lily shook her head. 'Heard what?'

'What everyone's been saying Sirius said?'

Again, Lily shook her head. 'No.'

'They said he said he's gay!'

Lily sighed. 'Name one time you've heard a rumour as juicy as that that's been true.'

'He told Manen himself! And you know what else he said?'

Lily rolled her eyes. 'What?'

'You'll never guess!'

'No, I probably won't.'

'Awwww, come on, Lily, you're no fun.' whined Amelia. Lily shrugged, and sipped her drink, but her nose got the better of her.

'What else did he say?'

Amelia grinned. 'Knew you'd come round.'

'Well?'

'They said he's in love with Remus Lupin!'

Lily couldn't help her mouth falling open. 'Remus? He likes Remus?'

'Uh huh. That's why he's not dancing with anyone, cos he's holding out for Remus. Manen said he started going into details about his sexual fantasies with him...Manen said she was disgusted, but come on...Lupin and Black? How hot is that!'

Lily stared at her friend. '_Excuse me_?'

'Aw, don't tell me I have a homophobic on my hands!'

Lily shook her head emphatically. 'No, they can do whatever they want in _private_-'

'Just a bit prude, then, are we?'

Lily pursed her lips, and then a small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as a thought crossed her mind.

'Wonder what James is thinking.' she murmured. Amelia snorted.

'Probably having a party in his pants.' smirked Amelia. Lily stared at her friend. She has gotten used to her crude remarks, and tactlessness, but it all seemed to be piling on Lily rather too much. Then her eyes widened.

'You think James is gay?'

Amelia shrugged. 'Probably. I mean, if what you said was true...him running off in the middle of kissing you...must be, mustn't he?'

Lily's eyes flung wide, and then she frowned.

'I never told you about me and James!' she cried out.

Amelia smirked again, an expression that seemed to be very in fashion for her face to wear at that moment.

'I know. I just know these things.' Then, she gave a theatrical sigh. 'Well, you know what they say...guys are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken, and the only ones left are handicapped. Or gay.' she added, frowning.

'I don't think James is gay.' Lily reiterated.

Amelia shrugged. 'I didn't think you thought about James.' she teased.

Lily sighed, and then felt a smirk of her own spread across her face. 'Good ones?' she teased back, hoping to embarrass her friend.

'Hell yeah!' cried Amelia, far from embarrassed. Lily shook her head.

'Since when did James become universally acknowledged as a "good one"?'

'Since he started looking like that.' Amelia said quietly, gesturing to James, who was rapidly closing in on them. Lily felt her breath catch in her throat, and her heart double it's beating speed, which was a completely ridiculous thing to be happening to her around someone she was supposed to hate, she told herself sternly. Then she shook herself. She hadn't thought about hating James for months now. Why did it suddenly pop back into her head then?

'Hello, ladies.' said James, quite seriously. He seemed not to have adopted the swaggering, horny, flirtatious manner many of the other male students in the hall had.

'Well, hello, Potter.' said Amelia, in a flirtatious voice, batting her eyelids. 'How are you this lovely night? Other than gorgeously handsome, that is.' she said, placing her hand on James's chest. Lily looked away in distaste. Amelia never had been one for subtlety.

'I was actually wondering if I could have a dance with Evans.' said James, his eyes jumping hastily around Lily's face. Lily swallowed, then jutted out her chin a little.

'What for, Potter?' she said, adopting a very formal tone.

'Well, mainly because I assumed that was what one was supposed to do at an occasion such as this.' he said, smiling. Amelia seemed taken aback.

'So long as you're not going to use her as a punch bag to let out your emotion over Lupin and Black.' said Amelia, teasingly, but with a malicious edge Lily didn't like.

James frowned. 'Lupin and Black....? What about them?'

Amelia clapped her hands together. 'Oh, haven't you heard?' she cried, gleefully.

'Heard what?' James asked, looking very confused.

'They're lovers!' Amelia cried. Lily snorted. It had gone from a mere whisper of Sirius having more than friendly feelings toward one of his friends, to a fact that him and Lupin were full on homosexual lovers.

James shook his head, brushing her off, disbelieving her instantly. 'Come on.' he urged.

'No, I'm serious!' laughed Amelia. James continued to ignore her.

'Just one little dance, it can't do any harm.' he said. Lily sighed. What, were they just going to forget that night? Apparently so. Or maybe he wanted to talk about it?

'Alright, then.' she said, and let James lead her to the dance floor. The song, as bloody luck would have it, changed into a slow, sensual classic, (Lily could swear) the moment they stepped onto the dance floor. Lily fumbled around uncomfortably, but James shushed her, and slid his hands onto her hips. Lily slowly lifted her arms up and put them around James's neck. She told herself to take deep breaths. Her heart was beating like crazy.

James leaned his face into Lily's and she was about to retaliate when she noticed he kept on going, until his lips were beside her ear.

'I just wanted to say,' he whispered, a hot breath on her neck that sent shivers down her spine, 'That I'm sorry about that night.'

Lily inhaled deeply, but then clenched her teeth. 'So that's all it's going to be? An apology, and we're fine? What was that night, anyway?' she tried to ask evenly.

'How should I know? One minute you hate my guts and the next I'm kissing you and I have no idea if it's real or if it's a joke or if you're under a spell-'

'That's the thing about people like you! You always think they're as bad as you are! Why would I pull a prank on you, James?' she hissed, pulling her arms down. A few people were starting to look at them.

'I don't know! I've never been able to fathom the way your mind works!'

Lily sighed angrily. 'My world is much more simple that you may think, Potter!' Back to Potter, again. 'I like you, and you were kissing me, and I was kissing you...and then you pulled away, and ran off! You know what that usually means? Well, I got the implications pretty well!'

James mouthed soundlessly. 'You...you like me?'

Lily clicked her tongue. 'Well, you know, I thought I did, but now I'm not quite sure. Your world is too full of so many "problems" and "dilemmas"-' Lily knew she was treading on thin ice, here, but she was too angry to care, 'That are, as far as the rest of the world can see, black and white nothings!'

'Don't you DARE presume to know what goes on in my life!' James roared. 'People like you will NEVER open your eyes wide enough to see the whole world! Riding up on your high horse, while the rest of us wither on the ground, cursing each time you trample on us, but clinging onto every touch we can get!'

'High horse? _High horse_? If I'm on a high horse, think about this, Potter! Who shields you all from the shit? Me. Who soaks up all the rain? Me! Who's the one who the vulture's claws sink into first? ME! Don't YOU dare to presume YOU know what goes on in _MY_ life!'

By now, nearly the whole hall was watching this scene. Lily looked away angrily, and became very acutely aware of all the eyes on her. Much to her annoyance, she felt her cheeks redden. She shook her head, and stormed out, praying for all she was worth James Potter would not follow.


	22. Anger

Remus Lupin was staring out at the lake, feeling weary at the mere sight of the moon, when Lily came charging out the front doors.

'Hello, Lily.' he murmured, pleasantly. Lily sighed.

'Hello, Remus.' she said. Remus examined her carefully, taking time to note that her eyes were skipping and jittering about, clearly going over something in her head. He sniffed, and he smelt the scent of his friend very strongly.

'What did he do?' he asked.

Lily smiled. She had always liked the way Remus always came to the right conclusion, piecing the world together like an infantile jigsaw puzzle. The smile soon faded from her lips, and she collapsed next to Remus on the step.

'Nothing, I suppose.' she muttered. Remus smiled weakly.

'Nothing?'

Lily sighed. 'Oh, well...he wanted to act like that night never happened. Like he never pulled away. I just...' she sighed again. 'I don't know.'

Remus frowned. 'What night?'

Lily stared at him. 'You know. _That_ night.'

Remus shook his head. 'No...'

'The night we kissed.' she said, a little embarrassed at having to spell it out. Remus sucked in a breath.

'You and James kissed?' he asked, shocked. Lily stared at him.

'Well...yeah. I thought he would have told you.'

'He hasn't said a thing.' Remus said softly, mildly indignant at not being told. Then again, he hadn't told James about his "that night".

'Oh.' said Lily softly, quite surprised. She was sure James would have been bragging to half the school...mind you, no one had come up and said anything to her.

She and Remus sat in silence for a while, before a little smile tugged at her lips.

'What?' asked Remus. Lily bit her lip, creasing her forehead, but she was still smiling.

'Um, can I ask you a question?' she asked. Remus cocked his head.

'You already have, but I presume you mean another?'

Lily nodded.

'Sure.' said Remus, eyeing Lily curiously.

'Is it...is it true what they're saying about Sirius? About you?' Lily blurted. Remus's face paled slightly, but his expression didn't change.

'What do you mean?' he asked lightly. 'What have they been saying?'

'Well, the rumour spreading through the hall like a bush fire at the moment is...well, is that you're...he's...well, they're saying Sirius confessed to being in love with you.' she murmured, trying to catch Remus's eye, which kept of drifting off towards the lake. At the end of her sentence, though, he spun his head round to stare at her.

'Pardon?' he asked, almost stiffly.

'They're saying that Sirius confessed to being in love with you.' she said, louder and clearer.

Remus blinked and cleared his throat uncomfortably. 'Amusing.' he said quietly to his feet.

'Is it true?' asked Lily softly.

'I don't know.' Remus said quickly. 'Why would I know? I don't know what goes on in his head, what does it have to do with me?'

Lily laid a hand on his shoulder. 'Nothing. I was just wondering.' she whispered.

Remus sighed. 'I'm sorry.' he muttered. He looked up and saw Lily's questioning eyes...well, questioning him. He sighed. He knew, whether he told her or not, she would piece it together herself.

'We kind of...ah, well, you see...a while back, we ah...'

'Kissed?'

Remus gave a faint smile, and nodded.

'And?'

Remus was baffled. 'And what?' he asked.

'And what happened? Are you...I mean, you're still "together"?'

'Oh no! No, no no no. Nothing like that.' Remus said quickly. Lily frowned.

'Why?' she asked. Remus swallowed again, and looked away.

'It was...just a mistake.' he said slowly.

'Why was it a mistake?' she asked. Remus didn't answer. 'Come, on, Remus. Talk to me.'

'It just was.' he said shortly.

'Why? Were you drunk? Did you decide you liked girls? Were you poisoned?'

Remus shook his head.

'What, then?' she asked. Remus took a deep breath, then exhaled loudly.

'I thought you of all people would know.' he said. Lily frowned.

'Know...?' but he didn't say anything more. 'Know what?'

'I think perhaps I misjudged you.?'

'Why?' cried Lily, indignantly.

'What are some important facts about werewolves?'

Lily fell silent, examining Remus's face, illuminated by the crescent moon sitting lazily behind a cloud in the dark sky above. Then her breath caught.

'They mate for life.' she said softly. Remus nodded. 'But...you haven't...you haven't mated with Sirius-'

'No! No.' said Remus fervently. Lily shook her head.

'Then I don't understand-'

'Sirius has a different girl every week,' Remus began, in a harsh kind of voice, 'Or a boy.' he added, almost bitterly. 'They flitter in and out of his life like butterflies. He could look someone straight in the eyes and make them believe no one else in the world mattered more to him than they, merely to get in their pants. If I am his crush this week, James will be his next week. Amelia the week after, and Aaron from down the road after that. If I lied and told myself he cared for me I'd be trapped for life. Werewolves mate for life, and I can't be eternally bound to _him_.'

Lily stared at Remus, sure this was the most she had ever heard him speak. 'You...you love him?' she asked. Remus laughed.

'In a way. Which makes me feel pathetic. Should I join the groups of gaggling girls who follow him round, stand downwind from his scent, and try to Accio his pillowcase?'

Lily put her hand on Remus's shoulder, comfortingly. 'It's ok.' she murmured.

'No, it's not.' said Remus. 'But it will be. Because he will dance with some magnificent female, coax her into a drunken splendor, seduce her into bed, convince her it was her idea that they wouldn't work out, and send her on her way the next morning, only to move onto the next one.'

'Well, that's not what I heard.' said Lily. 'I heard he's rejecting every female, telling her he's holding out for a "real man". He's telling them he loves you, Remus.'

Remus stood up. 'See? I can't do this. I can't have him trampling around, convincing everyone, including me, that he loves me, and then running me into the ground next week!'

'I'm not going to do that, Remus.' said a low voice behind them. Remus spun around, and stared into the swirling grey eyes of Sirius Black.

'Si-Sirius...' Remus stuttered, suddenly shy. Lily cleared her throat.

'I think I might go inside now.' she said, gracefully slipping back through the doors.

'So.' said Sirius, stepping forward. '_So_.' He looked almost angry. 'You ignore me and avoid talking to me and show no intention whatsoever of discussing what...what we _are_, and yet you go behind my back and talk to _her_ about...about _me_!'

Remus winced. 'Siri, I-'

'Don't Siri me! I'm pissed off with you, Remus Lupin, I'm bloody pissed off!'

Remus sighed. 'What do you want me to say?' he asked with a tired look. Sirius clenched his teeth.

'You're standing there,' he began, his voice trembling with rage, 'After just having talked to _her_ about _me_-'

'You _know_ there's nothing between us anymore!' Remus burst out.

'And how would I know that?' Sirius seethed.

'Because I'm _gay_, Sirius! I'm not bisexual, I'm certainly not straight, I don't just hump anything that will stay still long enough! I'm _gay_! And I thought that you of all people would get that after...after what _happened_! But obviously it meant so little to you that it completely slipped your mind!'

'You _dare_ talk to me about forgetting it happened! You dare talk to me after avoiding the subject for weeks! After avoiding _me_ for weeks!'

Remus sighed, and looked away angrily. 'I didn't want you to pressure you into feeling something you didn't. I didn't want to make you feel like you had to lie.'

Sirius gaped. 'Do I _look_ like someone who could be pressured into something? Have I ever let _anyone_ force me to do what I didn't want to do?' he said, staring at Remus. 'And you...talking to me about lying! Tell me...does James know about you and Lily? Does James know? _Huh_? Tell me, Remus, when were you going to tell him? When were you going to tell James?'

'Tell me what?' asked a familiar voice, stepping into the light. 'Lily told me to leave you guys alone, but I figured that just meant you didn't want her to hear.' said James, stepping towards the seething young men. 'Tell me what?' he repeated, looking at Remus. Then he looked at Sirius, and back at Remus, and something clicked in his head. 'Tell me what?' he asked, softly this time. Remus swallowed.

'Tell you...that...Lily...said she really likes you.' said Remus slowly. Then he nodded. 'Yeah. And that she wishes she could tell you.'

James chuckled. 'Bullshit.' he said, conversationally. 'Tell me what?'

But Sirius and Remus stayed silent.

'Look,' began James, 'If you don't tell me, I'll be forced to curse your pants off. Literally.'

But Sirius and Remus still remained silent. James sighed.

'All right, then.' he said, and raised his wand.

'No!' shouted Remus, holding up his hand, imagining himself standing in a freezing corridor half naked with an equally pantless Sirius with a raging hard on trying to explain the situation to McGonagall. 'We-' Sirius shot him a warning glance, 'I mean, _I_ will tell you. But...but you have to promise not to get mad, ok?'

'Sure.' said James. 'I won't get mad. Why would I?'

A few moments later the students in the Hogwarts hall were startled by the loudest scream of rage they had ever heard, followed by a lot of shouting, and soon after James Potter stormed through the doors, looked around angrily, cursed loudly and stormed back out again.


	23. Let me get this straight

'James!' called Lily, running hurriedly up the stairs in James's footsteps. 'James, wait up!' she cried, scampering up the stairs and slipping through the swinging portrait hole into the Head Boy and Girl's dormitory, where James was standing motionless.

'James?' she asked, approaching him carefully. 'Are you ok?'

'Sure.' said James, in a very strained voice. 'I'm fine.'

Lily came up beside him and peered at his face. 'You don't look fine. You look angry.'

James spun around. 'Well _of course_ I'm fuckin-' but he bit back his words, and stared down at his feet again.

'What did Sirius and Remus say?' she asked, though she thought she probably had a fair idea. The only thing she was trying to work out was James's reaction, which she wasn't prepared for.

'Oh, we were just talking about Remus's love life.' said James, in a sickeningly false cheerful voice, and he thew himself onto the couch, looking at Lily very strangely. A look that was part anger, part sadness, part...regret? Part...envy, almost? And part admiration, but that was always there when James looked at her. Lily simply could not fathom it.

'Does it...annoy you?' she asked, tentatively.

'Jesus, of course it does!' he spat, then shook his head, as if reminding himself to be civil.

'Why?' asked Lily.

'Why? Why? You of all people should know why.' he said. Lily shook her head. This did not make sense. And she couldn't believe James was so unaccepting!

'What does it matter if they are two guys if they love each other? Isn't that what's important?' she asked.

James blinked. 'What?'

'Isn't love the important thing here? Just because they are of the same gender doesn't mean they don't have the capacity to feel that emotion!'

James stared at Lily. '_Who_?'

'Remus and Sirius, you idiot! Try and keep focused here!'

James stood up and started backing away. 'Woah woah woah. I wasn't ...I wasn't talking about...Sirius and Remus...they're...Sirius is _gay_?' James stuttered.

Lily gulped. 'So...we weren't talking about them.'

James shook his head.

'Well, who were we talking about, then?' Lily asked, confused. James's face hardened.

'I was talking about-' he winced, as if it were painful to say. 'About...about you and Remus.'

Lily laughed. 'Remus and me?'

James nodded. 'Yes. Remus seemed to think it a good idea not to tell me about it.'

Lily laughed again. 'Tell you about "it"? We kissed in fifth year, James. A few times.' she said. Was it James's imagination or was Lily reddening slightly?

'Huh.' said James, and collapsed down on the couch. Almost immediately, however, he sprung back up again. 'What were you saying about Padfoot and Moony?'

Lily blinked. 'What?'

James shook his head. 'I mean, Sirius and Remus.'

Lily smirked. 'You have little nicknames for each other?'

'Answer the damn question.'

'Geez. Calm down a little, James.'

'Don't tell me to calm down! Answer me!' James roared. Lily blinked.

'Well I, uh...they sh-should-' she stuttered, not used to seeing this side of James. 'I'm sure they'd rather tell you.'

James clenched his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut, and Lily could see that his red face was throbbing.

'Ok, ok! I think they're kind of...well, I mean, they kissed and...well, I guess they're kind of in the same situation as us. Dealing with the repercussions of that, and trying to understand their own feelings. It's just a little bit more difficult for them, because they have the whole gender and sexuality issue to deal with.' Lily said quickly, watching James's face. James brought his hands up to his head and began rubbing his temples.

'Too much to think about, too much to think about.' he chanted, softly. Then he sat down on the couch, staring down at his feet. 'So let me get this straight.' he began, obviously planning to have an intricate discussion with his shoelace. 'In fifth year when I was the biggest jerk who had the hugest crush on you, Remus snuck behind my back, whilst encouraging me to my face, and was kissing you. Now he's kissing Sirius, who is the biggest womanizer the world has seen since Don Juan, and they're trying to sort out their "problems", which are similar to ours since the night _we_ kissed.' he said in a low voice. 'Except for us, it's complicated because even though I've loved you since I saw you, when we kissed I freaked. I thought that I was letting myself taste the forbidden fruit, and it was going to be snatched away, but I would have developed a taste for it and could never love anything else in my life. I spent the whole night of my last ball at Hogwarts agonizing about you, and then we had a moment of dancing before we started arguing, and after that I found out you had been running around with one of my best friends.' he continued, without taking a breath. 'And now, I'm sitting here trying to wrap my head around it all whilst you waste your beauty and time standing here, tapping your foot ever so gently, showing your obvious impatience.' he finished, still staring at his bright purple shoe lace.

Lily's heart was beating rather fast, and now her mind, too, was reeling.

'You...you love me?' she whispered. James sighed and leant his head back.

'Let's not have this discussion now.' he said, in a tired voice.

'Answer the damn question.' said Lily, mimicking James's earlier demand. James brought his head down and looked at Lily, and to her surprise burst out laughing.

'What?' asked Lily. James continued to laugh. 'What's so funny?'

'Nothing! It's just funny!' he chuckled.

'What is?'

'_This_! This...this whole _situation_! It's hilarious, don't you think?' he said, standing up.

'You think love is funny?' asked Lily. James stopped laughing and sighed angrily, looking away.

'Don't do this, Lily. Not now.'

Lily walked towards him and, without warning, wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. James breathed in deeply, inhaling her gorgeous scent, pressing his body into hers, trying to imprint this moment into his memory. He knew he shouldn't be doing this; it was just going to make it that much harder when he had to let her go.

_But...one little taste, it can't do any harm!_ he thought to himself, and hugged Lily tighter. However, Lily pulled away, only slightly, so she could look into his eyes.

'Do you love me, James?' she whispered, hypnotizing her with her beautiful eyes.

'With the strength of a thousand stabbing knives.' James murmured. Lily moved her ear closer.

'Pardon?' she asked. James cleared his throat.

'Of course not. I'm young, I'm stupid, I'm horny...I'm not in love.' he said. Lily smiled.

'Very funny, Mr Potter. But I heard you the first time. And I want to say...' she said, staring at James closely, 'I love you too.' She expected him to grin, to seek a conformation, and then she was prepared to be swept up into his arms and kissed like he meant it.

But to her surprise, he pulled away. 'No you don't.' he said.

'Yes, I do.' said Lily smiling.

'Don't...don't you play with me like this!' he yelled. 'This may all seem like a fun game to play at the time being, rather nice as well, but it's _my head_ you're messing with! It's _my heart_ you're messing with! And it's _not_ fun, let me tell you! It's _not_ a game, and I'm sick of everyone treating it look one!'

'James Potter, for once in your life shut that bloody mouth of yours and open up your mind instead! Why the _hell_ would I want to pretend I love you? What would I get out of it? Unlike some people I know, I do not get a kick out of torturing others! So stop denying what you know you want and kiss me, God dammit, before I change my mind!'

And at that moment James Potter was successfully coerced into doing the thing he wanted most in the world to do. But also, at that moment, Remus and Sirius chose to burst into the room.

'Oh, sorry.' murmured Remus, and turned his back as if to retreat.

'Oh, no.' said James, pulling away from Lily. 'You're staying here, and you're going to talk to me. _Both_ of you.' he added to Sirius's back.

Remus sighed. 'Alright, then. What do you want to talk about?'


	24. A Beach and an Epilogue

'If you touch me there one more time, I'll hit you in the monkeys!' Remus yelped.

'Well, then you better hit me in the monkeys!' cried Sirius with an evil grin, and launched himself upon Remus again, whilst Peter stood a few feet away, looking slightly uncomfortable.

James sighed. Some things never changed. Even though they had graduated from Hogwarts several months ago, he and Lily were (secretly) engaged, and they had all started their life in the Big Wide World, the little things were still the same.

Well, _almost_ the same. James couldn't ever look at Remus and Lily the same way. For the first few months after finding out about them, he swore he could see something between him. He was just being paranoid, they both pointed out to him, and in time James began to agree.

James frowned. Another thing that was different. He wasn't sure Sirius always used to touch Remus _there_ when they went swimming.

'Hey, come on, guys.' said James. 'Keep it clean.'

Sirius grinned. 'You're just jealous. You _know_ you want a piece of me.'

James smiled. 'And they say _I'm_ the egotistical one.' he said, turning to Lily.

'See? Isn't this beach lovely?' sighed Lily, contentedly.

'Beautiful.' murmured James, looking at his soon-to-be wife. He still couldn't believe she was actually his. He still couldn't believe after years and years of wishing it had finally come true.

'I'm a bit worried I might get sunburnt, though.'

'Want me to sunscreen you?'

Lily smiled. 'Yes, please.' she said. 'The muggle way.'

James raised an eyebrow, and pouted. 'You mean I have to lather my hands with slippery lotion and rub them all over your gorgeous half-naked body?'

'Something like that.' Lily purred, sleepily. James grinned.

'Sounds awful...but I think I'll manage.' he said, squirting his hands with a generous amount of sunscreen, which he then proceeded to massage into Lily's skin, while she sighed happily.

Meanwhile, whilst Peter was sitting on the beach, picking out his toe jam, Sirius and Remus were having a quiet, serious discussion in the water. Well, as serious as a discussion can be with one participant sitting in the other's lap.

'Come on, let's just tell them!' urged Sirius enthusiastically, bobbing Remus up and down on his lap.

'What...what if they're not ok with it?' asked Remus worriedly, tensing his muscles to try and keep Sirius still, which only created more distraction.

'Of course they'll be ok with it! If they're ok with being seen with us in public doing _this,_' he said, wrapping his arms and legs around Remus's back, while he began kissing and feasting upon Remus's neck. Remus moaned, and began circulating his hips, which made Sirius give a gasp of pleasure. Then Sirius giggled. 'I can't remember what I was saying...' he said.

'If they're ok with being seen with us in public doing this...' Remus prompted.

'Then they'll be ok with it.' Sirius said triumphantly, and began kissing Remus's neck again.

Remus sighed. 'All right, then.' he said. Sirius grinned.

'Great. Let's go.'

Remus blinked. 'Go? Go where?'

'Go tell them!' said Sirius.

'What, now?' asked Remus.

'No, next Christmas! Of course now!' he said.

Remus sighed again. 'All right.'

Sirius laughed, and scooped Remus up in his arms.

'Hey!' cried Remus. 'Put me down!'

'As you wish.' said Sirius pompously, and with his beater strengthened arms tossed Remus as far away as he could, and sent him splashing into the sea.

Meanwhile, Lily and James were having a similar discussion.

'Let's tell them!' whispered James in Lily's ear.

'Not now.' murmured Lily. 'Sleepy.'

'_All _the news.' said James pointedly. Lily sat up.

'All what news?' she asked, looking at James worriedly.

'All the news.' he said, taking Lily's hand in his. 'I know, Lily. I know. I saw it.'

Lily gasped. 'You...you know?'

James nodded.

'But...I was going to wait...to tell you!' James smiled.

'What, and do the little dinner thing with the baby carrots, and the baby corn and all the rest?' he teased. Lily smiled sheepishly.

'Maybe.' she murmured. James laughed.

'I want you to know that I think it's _great_. It's fantastic. I love you so much, and _this_...this has made me the happiest man in the whole entire world. You said you wanted a new mirror? Let's call Dumbledore and ask for the mirror of Erised, because I swear I could use it normally!' James said. Lily laughed. James's face suddenly dropped.

'What?' asked Lily.

'It...it _is_ mine, isn't it?' he asked, suddenly looking furious. Lily laughed_. And they say girls have mood swings_, she thought to herself.

'No, it's Remus's. I'm sorry, honey.' she said, with a completely straight face. James leapt up, his face contorting with rage.

'_You_...and _him_...I DON'T _BELIEVE_ IT!' he sprayed. Lily picked herself up, and laughed.

'I'm joking, Jamie! Of course it's yours!' she said. James looked at her suspiciously.

'So...so you...and Remus...never...'

'_No_. Never. And anyway, James, that was three years ago now! Don't you know anything about female anatomy? About birth?'

'Of course I do! But how am I to know you weren't sneaking round with him months ago?'

Lily sighed angrily. 'I wasn't! Why can't you trust me? You're so paranoid! If it's always going to be like this...I don't know if I can do it!'

James's face fell a mile. 'What?' he whispered.

Lily sighed. 'Nothing.'

'You...you don't know if you can do it?' he whispered.

'I didn't mean it...James!' she called, as James turned and started walking away. She caught up with him, and put her hand on her shoulder, and spun him around.

'You know I didn't mean that, James. You _know_ I love _you_, Jamie.'

James sighed, and gave a weak smile. 'I know. It's...it's just hard, you know? I mean...how would you feel if you found out I'd been sneaking around with...with Amelia a few years ago, pretending that you liked me then, of course, and you find out now she's pregnant, when you're sure she hasn't been with anyone else except me?' he asked, exasperatedly. 'And then you ask her who the father is and she says "James is."! How would you feel?'

'I was joking, James.' said Lily quietly.

'Yes, but you're the perfect little actress. I believed you, Lily. And it hurt. God,' he said, clenching his teeth, 'God it hurt so much. More so...because it's Remus.'

Lily frowned. 'Why does it matter that it's Remus?'

James gave a sad smile. 'Because...if it were another guy, like Sirius or Peter,' Lily screwed up her face, but James continued, 'Then I'd know it'd be ok, because they're arseholes and you'd see that. But Remus...Remus is a nice guy. Everyone knows that. He'd never hurt you, he'd never betray you, and he'd be so...so gentle. And I can understand why people love Remus. And if it was Remus's...I could understand why you'd want to be with him instead of me.' James finished.

'Oh, Jamie.' Lily whispered. 'Why can't you see?'

'See what?' James whispered.

Lily grinned. 'He likes _man_ sex, Jamie!' and Lily laughed at the disgusted look on James's face.

'Well, that certainly lost me my appetite.' he said.

'Aw, come on! You can't honestly tell me, after spending seven years in a dormitory with Sirus Black and Remus Lupin you never did anything! God, they'd have to tie me down!'

James shot Lily a warning look. Lily smiled sheepishly.

'Sorry.' she murmured, and taking his hand, lead him back to their little blanket on the beach, where the plonked themselves down, and, incidentally, reached for the plonk.

'So, James.' said Lily, watching James as he haphazardly filled her glass with cheap champagne. 'Ready to be a father?'

James laughed, and gestured to Sirius and Remus, who were tumbling around on the sand, shouting and yelping. 'I have been for years.'

Lily laughed, then frowned. 'I hope our kids don't get as close as those two.' she said.

James raised an eyebrow. 'Kids? Plural?'

Lily looked embarrassed, then frowned again. 'You only want one?' she asked quietly.

'You kidding? I want a million.' he said, laughing.

'I'm not sure I could do a million...' said Lily, 'But I'm sure we can arrange a few hundred.' They laughed.

'Well, I've certainly got my work cut out for me.' said James, wiggling his eyebrows.

'You bet.' Lily grinned.

'Hey, booze!' cried Sirius. Lily hadn't realised they were so close. She smiled.

'Yes, we have acquired some alcohol.' she said. Sirius snorted.

'"We have acquired some alcohol."' Sirius mimicked in a girly voice, then lifted up the bottle. 'What the hell is this?'

'Champagne.' said Lily. Sirius's eyes widened.

'Muggle shit?' he asked. Lily's eyes narrowed. 'No offence,' said Sirius quickly, 'But where's the firewhisky at?'

'We weren't planning on getting so shit faced we splinched ourselves, Sirius.' said Lily sternly.

'Well, you're no fun, then.' said Sirius, and plonked himself down. Peter scrambled up to get himself some, but Remus cleared his throat loudly.

'Sirius?' he said, pointedly.

'Yeah?' asked Sirius, looking up at Remus, and catching the look in his eyes, said: 'Oh, right. Yes.' and he stood up. 'We have news.'

'Really? So do we!' said James, and Lily elbowed him in the ribs.

'Be quiet.' hissed Lily, then she smiled. 'Do go on.'

'No, what's your news?' asked Sirius.

'You first.' said James, grinning.

'No, you first.'

'No, you first!'

'No, you first!'

Remus and Lily sighed, then, catching the same look on each other's faces, smiled.

'We'll go first.' said Remus lightly. Sirius frowned.

'You just lost me that, Remus.' he said. Remus smiled.

'As Sirius was saying...we have news. An announcement to make.' he paused.

'And?' urged Peter.

'Sometime next year, we're leaving the country.' he said.

'What? Why?' cried the others.

'We're going to Hawaii.' Sirius said pointedly. James and Lily made little 'Oh' noises, but Peter looked confused.

'Why?' he asked. 'For good?'

'No,' said Sirius exasperatedly. 'We're...well, we're going to get married.' he said. Peter's jaw dropped.

'Did I know they were gay? Did I know they were together?' he asked, not quite looking at Lily and James. James had noticed he didn't often look them in the eyes anymore.

Lily nodded. 'Yip.' she said. Peter frowned.

'Oh.' he said. Sirius and Remus smiled.

'Good for you!' said Lily, belatedly.

'Yeah.' James agreed, still looking slightly strange.

'So? What was your news, then?' asked Sirius. James grinned.

'Well,' he said, smiling at Lily, 'We're not going to Hawaii. But...' he said, grinning even wider, 'But we are getting married.' he said. Sirius laughed.

'That's great!' he said. Remus nodded.

'We're happy for you.' he said.

'And we're happy for you!' said Lily. Sirius smiled, then looked down at Peter.

'I suppose you're a little bit of an odd one out now, aren't you Peter?' he said. Peter shifted uncomfortably.

'I suppose so.' he said, looking down at his hands, where he was pulling the wings off an insect.

'Ah, well. I'm sure one day you'll find someone crazy enough to love you, Peter.' said Remus. 'I know I did.' he said, looking at Sirius. Sirius smiled, and leant forward, and the two men began kissing.

'Come on, guys.' said James, looking slightly uncomfortable. Lily was staring at them, goggle-eyed.

'That is so hot.' she murmured. James stared at Lily.

'Lily!' he hissed. Lily shook her head, then smiled at James.

'Joking!' she said, though there was still a hint of a pink tinge lingering around her cheeks. James cleared his throat loudly. Remus pulled away.

'Sorry.' he murmured, looking very embarrassed.

'We have another announcement to make.' said James.

'Two in one day!' cried Sirius.

'Three, if you count ours.' said Remus.

'Three announcements in one day! A world record, surely!' cried Sirius pompously. James laughed. Then he looked at Lily.

'Do you want to tell them, or should I?' he asked softly. Lily smiled.

'You can, sweetie.' she said, and James grinned, turning back to his friends.

'It's not so much of an announcement as a warning.' Lily frowned, but James continued. 'I'm warning you that if you come to our house in, say...nine months time, you'll have to be prepared to see a little surprise waiting for you.'

Lily smiled at the frowns on the Marauders' faces. 'I'm pregnant.' she said. Sirius gasped.

'Oh my God!' he cried. Then he looked at Remus suspiciously. 'It is James's, isn't it?' he asked. James gave an embarrassed laugh.

'We have had that discussion, and yes, it is mine.' he said. Sirius smiled.

'Great!' he cried. 'Oh, I'm so happy for you guys!' Then he pulled a face. 'Urgh, just imagine it.'

'Imagine what?' asked Lily.

'Miniature James' running around with big green eyes.' he said. Lily laughed, and James gave an excited chuckle.

'My dream come true.' he said, staring at Lily, tucking a bit of hair behind her ear.

'Ugh, heterosexual lovin'.' said Sirius. 'Come on, race you to the beach, Remy!'

Remus mouthed 'Sorry bout him!' and leapt up to follow Sirius.

So there is was. A picture in time. Lily and James Potter sitting next to each other, staring lovingly into each other's eyes, similar thoughts of children and weddings running through their mind. Remus Lupin and Sirius Black frolicking in the sand, ecstatic grins on their faces.

And Peter Pettigrew, sitting in the soft, golden, sand, staring down at the writhing insect twitching on the edge of it's life, smiling softly to himself. It was one of those pictures, those moments in time, where everything looks perfect.

But we all know what happens. James and Lily drift off later, have a child, and are viciously murdered because Peter, who was really a Death Eater, betrays them, kills a whole street of muggles, and then leads the world to believe it was Sirius, who gets locked up in Azkaban for twelve years and then gets murdered by his cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange. Remus Lupin lives a pitiful life, because of all the anti-werewolf legislations being put in place, and also because for the first part of these lonely years he believed his lover to have betrayed them, and then the second part, when he finds out his lover didn't betray him, his lover is killed.

But there's still that picture, on the tip of the ice burg, the edge of the cliff, the end of the plank...looking so wonderful, so crystal clear, so dazzling in it's purity and sincerity and sentimentality, so real in it's raw emotions and life, and so...so...

...so staggeringly beautiful.


End file.
